


A Bump in the Road

by Babybucky1943



Category: Marvel
Genre: Brain Damage, Cryosleep, Diapers, Disability, Drooling, Feeding, Gen, Recovery, Stuttering, Therapy, Traumatic Brain Injury survivor, adapting, changing, cqregiver Steve, disabled Bucky, google sucks, he can't talk, inaccurate therapy methods, mute(?) bucky, patient caregiver, thumb sucking, waking from cryo, wheelchair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:08:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 31,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26845642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babybucky1943/pseuds/Babybucky1943
Summary: This story is in honour of disability awareness month. There are some facts that are accurate and some that are fictional. Traumatic Brain Injury has a decent recovery rate with therapy and lots of hard work. I've done my best to reconstruct this story to reflect that.
Comments: 52
Kudos: 96





	1. Chapter 1

Shuri watched carefully as the frozen soldier was removed from the tank. “Careful. He’s extremely fragile.”

The nurses and doctors moved slowly, putting him on the examination table. The heat lamps were turned on low and set to bathe him in a soft even glow. They wanted to give him the slowest thaw possible. The Princess didn’t want to cause him more pain than necessary.

She looked at him with a clinical eye. “Cover him and put heating pads underneath him on low.”

“Your highness,” one of the doctors said softly. “He’s incontinent upon waking.”

Shuri nodded. “Get an incontinence brief.” She recalled having heard that before. It was no wonder though. The freezing and thawing was hard on a body. 

She was quite concerned about the condition he'd been in when they put him under. The mutilation of his left arm had caused things in his system to short circuit. Add to that the traumatic brain injury that she was sure existed, and she would have preferred to start therapy when he'd come to her but Bucky had insisted he'd be better after some time in cryo. 

"Watch him," she cautioned before she left the room to go speak with T’Challa who had come looking for her. 

T'Challa inclined his head towards the room. "How is he?"

Shuri shrugged a little. "It's too early to tell." 

"Perhaps it will all be alright." T'Challa smiled at her as they walked off. 

Two of the doctors gently rolled Bucky to one side and lay the thick clinical white diaper under him. The soldier wasn’t conscious yet.

One of the nurses taped it snugly and they put the heating pads underneath. Two nurses stood beside the table on constant alert. 

It took several hours before he started to stir. When the shivering began, the warming lamps were turned up. He needed the heat now. A nurse spoke to him but there was no response. It wasn't surprising, really. 

Shuri stepped back beside the table awhile later. “Sargent Barnes,” she said quietly, tapping his right shoulder.

He made a hoarse noise and blinked slowly, trying to get the water droplets out of his eyes.

Shuri wiped his face with a soft towel. “There we are,” she smiled as he sleepily focused on her. “We’re just getting you waked up. Don’t strain to move yet. Relax and let it come naturally.”   
He didn't respond, eyes unfocused and his jaw lax. His breathing was laboured. 

With some quick, sharp orders, she put him on oxygen. "He's having trouble breathing."

One of the doctors attached a machine to read out his vitals and the nurses stood watch. 

When Shuri returned several hours later, the soldier wasn't shivering anymore. 

His eyes were closed and he was sleeping. She felt a pulse of disappointment go through her. What had gone wrong? He should be up and moving by now."Sergeant Barnes?" She asked quietly, willing him to open his eyes. There was no response. His vitals were stable. 

She ignored the stab of panic at possibly having actually broken her broken white boy.Brain injury was a finicky thing. 

Bucky had round the clock care. 

Shuri breathed a huge sigh of relief when he woke up within twenty four hours. Maybe he would be okay.

"Sargent Barnes," she said, touching his right shoulder. She was eager to try the new prosthetic that they'd made for him. 

His response was delayed. 

His head slowly turned towards her, his tongue trying to lick at the drool dripping down his chin. He looked out of it. He made no noise. His eyes finally found her face. 

She gently wiped his chin. "We will call Captain Rogers." She turned to the nurse. "It's imperative to get him into therapy as soon as possible."

Shuri frowned. She had a pretty good idea though that Bucky hadn't pulled through the cryo like he'd hoped. She sighed. "Let's get an MRI done. 

////

Steve Rogers stood beside the bed, having come as quickly as he could after Shuri's phone call. "Hey bud." He stroked the hair off Bucky's cheek. "I'm here now."

Bucky tried to pry his eyes open. He didn't understand why he couldn't focus. The medicine Hydra gave him should be working! Why was Steve here? Steve. Steve could help!He opened his mouth to tell Steve that he couldn't seem to get his body to move. "Eeee...." 

"Yeah," the blonde captain agreed. "Steve is here." He kissed Bucky's forehead. He was wracked with guilt. How could he not have seen this coming? He should have protected Bucky. He should have stopped Tony! He should never have let Bucky fall.... Steve's eyes filled with tears. Bucky needed him now more than ever. He wouldn't let him down. "I'll take care of you. Forever! I promise," Steve whispered, slashing at his tears. 

Bucky gave a soft sigh. Why was Steve crying? "Eeee." He didn't understand why his mouth wasn't working either. 

Shuri was quiet, watching the interaction. "That's the first noise he's made. I think he's very happy you're here." She smiled softly. "I'm sorry I can't help him more right now. The neurologist suggested getting him into therapy immediately. The sooner we get him some help the better."

"What can therapy do?" Steve asked, wishing he understood. "I'll look after him. It doesn't matter."

Shuri shook her head. "Captain Rogers, therapy is very important. He needs to be retrained to the best of his ability."

"I know you're just trying to help." Steve smiled brightly. "It's alright. To me, the end of the line means just that. I still have Bucky." He traced a thumb over Bucky's limp hand still on the bedsheet. 

Shuri felt a moment of frustration. Perhaps speaking to someone else would be more receptive to what she knew Bucky needed. 

Steve's eyes went to Bucky's left side.The remnants of the prosthetic that Hydra gave him had been removed. In its place was a lightweight piece of black Kevlar that had been shaped to fit the stump of his shoulder. "I guess his left arm would just be extra weight."

Shuri smiled. "I have a new prosthetic for him but he's not ready for it yet."

Steve smiled at Bucky. "And that's okay. If he's never ready it won't change the way I feel. You ready to come home, bud?"

/////

The airplane ride home had been long. Bucky was half asleep. He couldn't focus and his words couldn't come out. He tried to talk but all that came out was a garbled sound. He was starting to panic. What was wrong with him?? He started to cry. 

"Buck," Steve was beside him in an instant, checking him over. Harness too tight? Wheelchair uncomfortable? Diaper wet? Bucky couldn't quite wrap his head around that at all. But he couldn't make sense of it either. 

Steve started singing a lilting Gaelic lullaby his mother had taught him on one of his many hospital stays. She'd sang it often and it had always helped him calm down.  
Bucky's eyes closed as Steve sang. He was so tired of trying to figure out what was going on. Steve would take care of him. He'd said he would. 

Steve was relieved to get home. Bucky would be more comfortable in his own space. It didn't matter what Bucky wanted or needed. Steve would get him anything!

Tony's mouth turned down in slight disgust. "What's wrong with him?"

"The cryo somehow...." Steve made an unsure motion with his hand. "It broke him. And I'm hoping he'll get better." 

Bucky heard what Steve said and tried hard to close his mouth to stop the drool running down his chin. He was broken? But cryo always helped. How had that happened? 

Clint stared at Bucky openly. "He's really out of it." 

Bucky tried to make his eyes turn to see Clint. The sudden dizziness that overwhelmed him made him close his eyes again. 

Steve felt anger building up. "How can you even say that, Clint? I just said! Something happened when he went into cryo. Shuri said he has traumatic brain injury."

"Sorry," Clint said penitently. "What is that?"

Steve wanted answers too and not having them made him feel unaccountably angry. And guilty. The guilt was overwhelming. He could take care of Bucky. That was his job now. 

Pepper stepped forward. "We can have private therapists here tomorrow. He'll need physio, speech and occupational therapy."

Steve frowned at her. "What? No. I'll look after him. He's my best friend."

Pepper smiled. "Steve, the therapy will help him get better." 

With a degree of hesitance, he sighed. "Alright." He didn't know what all those fancy words meant. He took Bucky to his apartment, wondering what the hell he was going to do now. 

He was aching for advice but he refused to let anyone know that he was feeling overwhelmed. He had no idea what he was going to do to help Bucky. Where did he even start? He could protect Bucky. And he would. NO one would ever hurt Bucky again! 

Bucky needed changing. Steve lay him on the hospital bed that had somehow materialized in his spare room. He thought it was probably Pepper. She'd gone to great lengths to help. He'd have to thank her. 

Bucky didn't want Steve changing him and he was confused about why this was happening at all. He started to cry again. 

Steve quickly finished changing him. "It's okay, bud. Steve will look after you. I promise. 

///////

Steve sat at the table in the common area two weeks later, feeding Bucky.The soft cloth bib around his neck soaked up the drips of puréed food that slipped out of his mouth.

When he'd been introduced to Joe, Mandy and Arlene, the three therapists; two days after bringing Bucky home, he'd been disappointed to learn that it wasn't medicine or anything like that. They would work with Bucky. 

"If you can put him in a rehab centre, we can help him better. He needs extensive therapy," Joe said. 

"No." Steve was adamant immediately. There was no way they were taking Bucky away from him. 

Joe had started moving Bucky's legs and at Bucky's first cry, Steve had put a stop to it. 

Pepper had tried to reason with him but he stubbornly shook his head. "No. I'll look after him. Why can't we just accept him for who he is?"

"We do," she said, "But if he can improve, don't you want that for him?" 

Steve hadn't said anything. He just wanted to make sure Bucky was happy. And he didn't care if he had to change diapers or feed Bucky for the rest of his life. He'd made a promise. 

Bucky moaned a little, fidgeting in his wheelchair, bringing Steve back to his present job. 

"Mmm. Good food!" Steve agreed. "Here. Have some more." He put another spoonful into Bucky's slack mouth, waiting for him to notice, and close his mouth. "Good boy."

Bucky liked that Steve was taking care of him. He felt nice now. Every day, Steve made sure he was comfortable. He always had clean diapers, good food, and even nice warm baths when Steve would wash him. He was content. 

Once Bucky was done eating, Steve gently wiped his chin, smiling at the little half grin Bucky gave him.

Natasha walked in and stopped beside the wheelchair. "Hey Bucky. How are you today?"

Steve helped Bucky wave at Nat, again eliciting the little grin and a grunt. "We're doing real good today, Tasha." Steve answered for him. "We went for a walk this afternoon when he refused to nap, and now we had Buck's favourite food. Mashed potatoes and beef." He indicated the empty bowl. 

"Sounds like a busy day," Nat smiled and gently rested her hand on Bucky's shoulder.

She'd come a long way in two weeks, going from ignoring them, to acknowledging Bucky's presence and now she checked in on them almost daily. "Have you considered therapy? He might benefit." 

"No." Steve's answer was short. 

Nat nodded. "Alright. Just try and give it some thought."

Bucky slowly turned his head, trying to focus his eyes on her. Natasha was someone he liked. "Aaa..hhhn." He's gotten used to not being able to make words. It didn't really matter anyway. 

Nat raised an eyebrow. "Is that what Steve's doing? We can't have that, now, can we?" 

Bucky grinned. He loved getting Steve in trouble. 

Steve shook his head. "What lies are you telling Natasha?" 

Bucky lolled his head back, listening to the back and forth. 

"He said you refuse to give him chocolate." Nat quirked an eyebrow. 

Bucky agreed there! Chocolate! He loved it! 

"Maybe tomorrow," Steve laughed. "Almost time for bed." Steve caught the drool sliding down his chin. "But first a drink, right Buck?" He took the brightly coloured sippy cup from its holder on the wheelchair tray.

Nat nodded. "Talk to you later, buddy." 

Tipping Bucky's chin up a bit, Steve put the spout in his mouth.

Bucky sucked at the spout, trying to make his mouth cooperate. He liked milk. With a lot of effort, milk running onto his bib before he could swallow, he managed to get enough to be satisfied. Bucky's hand fluttered towards the cup a moment later. He wanted to say more but his mouth refused. It was okay. Steve knew what he wanted and gave him some more. "Such good milk," Steve encouraged gently.

Bucky sighed softly when the cup was empty, then hiccuped.

"Oh oh. Too cold?" Steve asked. He'd warmed the milk up a bit so it didn't upset his stomach. He held a towel close by in case he threw up. Bucky tried to keep it down. His stomach was finicky since he'd been thawed. But, Steve would take care of it. 

Bucky moved his hand a little towards the cup, flopping his head forward. 

"It's all gone," Steve said. 

Bucky made a disgruntled noise. He wanted more! Steve immediately jumped up and refilled the cup. 

After several more sips, Steve wiped his face. "Ready for bed," he smiled. 

Bucky's eyes blinked slowly, lashes starting to droop. He was exhausted. 

Clint came in as Steve was about to leave. "Hey guys."

"Hey Clint. Buck just had dinner and it's about bed time. What are you up to?"

Clint shrugged. "Not much. Just ate dinner too. How's Bucky today?" 

Steve smiled proudly. "He didn't nap this afternoon. He's a sleepy boy now that his belly's full."

"It's good to have a full tummy." Clint leaned on the table. "How are you managing? I miss our hang out sessions." 

Steve removed the dirty bib and tossed it in the laundry chute. "I'm okay Clint. Thanks! I know. I miss it too. Once he's a bit more settled we'll come to pizza nights and movie time again."

Clint nodded. "If you ever need help, I'm not any good at doing the care stuff but I can watch him."

"Thanks Clint." Steve said again, warmed by the support from his team. It had been tough at first but they were coming around. "Say, ninight Clint." He waved Bucky's hand a bit.

Bucky's tongue poked out a bit with the effort it took to flop his head over to see Clint. He wanted to say it but his mouth wouldn't. It was nice that Steve helped. Bucky liked it when Steve helped. 

"Hey! He knows me!" Clint grinned. "Did you see that? He looked at me!"

Steve nodded. "He's starting to recognize your face." 

"Have a good sleep, buddy." Clint winked. He slid off the chair and opened the fridge in search of a snack. 

Steve wheeled Bucky up to their apartment, where he gently moved Bucky from his wheelchair to the adjustable bed. 

Steve checked his diaper. "You're wet again. Not really surprising considering how much milk you had." He took the wet diaper off and gently cleaned his skin. "There we go. Is that better?" He taped up the dry diaper and snapped the onesie up. It helped the diaper stay in place and it helped Bucky stay warm too.

He adjusted the bed and lay Bucky down between the two foam wedges so he'd stay in place.

Bucky was already mostly asleep, not caring that Steve was still fussing with his legs.

Steve pulled the soft fleece blanket up and gave Bucky a soft kiss on his forehead before raising the rail. "Ninight baby." He smiled. "Tomorrow is another day for new adventures." 

Steve watched him sleep for a few minutes. He was tired but he wouldn't admit it. He would look after Bucky; whatever he needed. That was Steve's job now. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve gets some help from Sam.

Bucky blinked sleepily, his eyes focusing on Steve with some effort.

“There’s my boy,” Steve smiled, as he finished changing Bucky. “When you won’t even wake up for a diaper change I know you’re tired.” He chuckled a little. “How about we plan a little outing today?”

Bucky felt fuzzy and out of it. He heard Steve talking but couldn't process all the words.And even if he could, he couldn't talk well. He knew whatever Steve decided was good. Steve was taking care of him.

Steve hoped Bucky would be okay in public for a little bit. Everyone was busy today and Steve had been asked to get snacks for movie night. He refused to admit that he was heading towards exhaustion. Looking after Bucky every day was starting to tell on him. 

Bucky hadn't slept well in a few nights. When he was awake, Steve sat with him so he wouldn't cry.

He'd been warned about caregiver burnout. He ignored it. He had to care for Bucky.

Bucky had done it for him way back when. Bucky needed him now. 

He sighed a little.He was completely exhausted. But what could he do about it? 

Once again, guilt at feeling tired and even thinking about leaving Bucky with someone else made him feel panicky. 

He pushed the thoughts away. 

It was the first night he and Bucky would attempt to join the team for a movie. He'd get to hang out with the team. That was exciting. He was actually too tired to be excited. 

Where should he go to get snacks?

He supposed he could just get things delivered but he so wanted to get outside in the crisp fall weather. The anticipation of crunching leaves and fall scented air gave him energy to push past the lethargy he was feeling. 

They would walk the two blocks to the small grocery store that seemed to have been left over from the thirties. Mr. Lavand's little store reminded Steve of being a child and going to the store for his ma. And Mr. Lavand was probably almost as old as Steve.

He got Bucky’s onesie snapped up and worked a pair of sweats over his feet and up. The last five days had been too cold and windy to take Bucky out but today the sun was finally shining. 

White clouds lazily floated by. Steve had the fleeting thought that he wished to be that carefree. The sun made the sky look so blue. Tears came to his eyes. He wasn't used to feeling like this. Why couldn't he just fight through it? Guilt was his constant companion. 

His mind skipped to the therapy that everyone said would help. It felt so hopeless. Why put Bucky through that? He'd been through so much already. 

Once Bucky was safely strapped into his wheelchair,Steve took him to the kitchen to feed him. “We’re gonna have some cream of wheat this morning. How’s that sound?"

Bucky tried to nod but his head just flopped. He felt trapped in his body but once again, reminded himself that he could rely on Steve. Steve would not leave him. Ever. He'd promised. 

Steve had already cooked the cereal and now mixed milk and sugar into it. He grabbed a clean bib from the drawer. Bucky’s eyes were closed again, head lolling against the headrest.

"Just can’t wake up today, huh?” Steve smiled and put the bib around Bucky’s neck. “Wakey wakey, bud. The routine doesn’t work when you just fall asleep willy nilly.” He was trying to get a routine for Bucky. So far it was unsuccessful. 

Bucky’s eyes opened again with all the jostling. He wanted to tell Steve that he needed a drink. “Eeeee.....”

“Good morning,” Steve grinned. “Such pretty eyes. Gotta stay awake so I can see them.” He lifted a spoon of cereal and put it in Bucky’s mouth.

Bucky moved his hand in slight frustration. The cup! Steve! 

Bucky tried to close his mouth around the spoon. Cereal dripped down his chin. He didn't like that either. He tried again to get Steve's attention. "Eeee!" He'd never been the most patient person. 

"Hey, buddy. Waking up?" Steve picked up the cup and Bucky eagerly waited for it. After a good drink he relaxed. Eating was so hard today! He tried but his muscles wouldn't cooperate.

“It needs to go in your tummy, Buck.” Steve said, scooping the cereal off his chin and into his mouth. 

Bucky almost choked, then coughed. 

When he could breathe again, Steve gave him another spoonful. This time Bucky managed to swallow.

Mealtimes were messy. The bibs helped. Even Steve's patience got tested a little. He was never frustrated with Bucky though.More with Hydra and the shit they'd put him through that had caused this.

Bucky tried to make his hand cooperate enough to get the cup. He was so thirsty this morning. He managed to flop it to the side. Frustrated, he let out a distressed cry. 

Steve quickly checked him over. "What's wrong?" 

Bucky flopped his head forward trying to indicate the cup. 

Steve picked it up. 

Bucky gave a satisfied grunt, drinking as much as he could before Steve put it down again. His jaw hurt from the effort but he was feeling less thirsty.

Steve sighed when once again the food ran down his chin and onto the bib. He took a deep breath. "I had to choose cream of wheat. The messiest hot cereal ever !" 

Bucky wanted to laugh and agree. He managed a grin. 

Steve smiled back. "Laughing at me? Jerk."

In Bucky's mind he retaliated with "Punk!" But what came out was more like "Uh." He wished he understood what was going on in his body. 

Steve finished feeding him, then gently washed his face. "Better?" 

Bucky felt like Steve was talking from very far away and couldn't respond.

Steve felt a jolt of sadness at the glazed far away look on Bucky's face. Maybe if he just tried harder and interacted more then Bucky would get better. 

Tired tears flooded his eyes again. It had been almost a month of round the clock care for someone who could do nothing on their own and Stevehad to admit he was getting worn out. He loved Bucky so much. He didn't need help. Didn't WANT to need help. With his usual stubbornness he plowed ahead anyway, planning out their day.

A knock startled Steve out of his thoughts. He went to the door and his heart gave a joyful leap to see Sam through the peephole.

Sam accepted the bone crushing hug with a full laugh. "Hey man. I missed ya! I heard you brought Bucky home."

Sam had been away for the last three weeks.Steve had missed him a lot! "I missed you too! Yeah I did."

Sam could see that Steve's smile was dimmed a little by exhaustion.

Sam followed him to the kitchen.

He took Bucky's hand in his; greeting him warmly. "Bucky Barnes! It's so good to see you again. I see you got yourself one awesome new wheelchair!"

Bucky focused on Sam. What was Wilson doing here? Oh right. He and Steve were friends. He tried his hardest to make a word. To say hi at least! His ma had taught him manners! Nothing happened so in a last ditch effort he focused and managed one of his little half grins.

Sam chuckled. "Pretty crazy tech, man."

"Aaaah," Bucky agreed. It was a nice wheelchair. 

Sam looked up at Steve who was hovering close to Bucky. "Tony told me you refused therapy. Why?"

Steve's smile faded. "He didn't like it."

Sam frowned. "What do you mean?"

"He cried," Steve said. He felt the panic rise again. "I'll make sure he's okay. I'll protect him. I'll help him."

"Steve," Sam looked at his buddy. "I'm hearing a lot of guilt in your voice. You can't make Bucky better just by caring for him. He needs therapy! He can probably recover somewhat!"

Steve pressed his lips together. "I'm the one that let him fall." 

Sam sighed. "Steve, you gotta do what you can to help him."

"I am," Steve said stubbornly. "He didn't like therapy. He cried." 

Sam looked thoughtful. "Crying is a way he can communicate his feelings because he can't use words. Has he only cried during therapy?" 

Steve didn't want to answer that. Bucky cried a lot. He shrugged one shoulder. 

"I know it's probably hard for you to see him cry. " Sam continued. "Don't take it too seriously. I know you well enough that you are probably almost killing yourself trying to keep him happy."

Steve blushed. Sam always could read him like a book. When Bucky cried it was true. He would do whatever he could to make the tears stop.

Sam smiled a little. "It's okay to let him cry. But Steve, you are gonna be so burnt out."

Steve wanted to cry at Sam's words. "So, I should just let these therapists hurt him?" He asked venomously. 

Sam didn't answer immediately. He was pretty sure that Steve was past being rational, if his words were any indication. 

Bucky could feel Steve's anger and fear and reacted with a cry of distress. Steve should be happy! He had Bucky. 

Sam sighed and took a different tack. "When's the last time you had a good, long, hot shower or bath?" he asked, watching Steve shrewdly.

The super soldier shrugged a little. He needed a shower. Usually he took five minutes after Bucky was asleep but last night Bucky had been restless and didn't fall asleep until after eleven.

"Go have a half hour soak," Sam ordered gently."Take some time. I got nothing up today. I'll stay with Bucky."

Steve felt somewhat threatened. "Don't take him out. Sam. He needs me. You'll be here?"

Sam stayed calm in the face of Steve's blunt anger and fear. 

"Yeah, man. I'll be here. I won't go anywhere. You need to take care of yourself." Sam patted his back. "Go on. Bucky will be fine."

Steve considered that for some minutes before he bent down to look at Bucky. "I'm gonna go have a quick bath, okay? Steve is gonna be back soon. Sam's gonna take care of you just for a few minutes. I promise."

Sam rolled his eyes but stayed quiet.

Bucky had almost calmed down but Steve's panic made him upset again. His lower lip quivered. 

"He's reacting to you," Sam said, trying to get Steve out of the room. "Just go." 

Steve took his anxiety and guilt with him and ran a hot bath with lavender bath salts and sank into it with a sigh. He wanted tocrywith the sudden overwhelming feeling that he was somehow holding Bucky back. He tried to rationalize his desire to protect Bucky. How could it be wrong?? Bucky needed him! He felt tears slide down his cheeks. He only wanted what was best for Bucky but he also didn't want to see him upset. He'd always looked after Bucky before. Of course that had been when Bucky didn't need much looking after but what difference did it make? He leaned back, letting the smell of lavender ease his stress. He didn't know how long he cried before he dozed off in the hot water.

Bucky had calmed down by the time Steve left the room. Steve would be right back. He'd promised. 

Sam continued talking to Bucky as he started a breakfast hash for Steve. He was wondering when the last time was Steve hadeaten a decent meal.

Bucky was a bit confused when Steve didn't come right back. "Ee?" 

Steve had been upset. Steve should never be upset. 

"He's having a bath," Sam explained."Bucky." He sat down, looking intently into Bucky's face, his brown eyes warm and supportive. "Do you know what happened to you? Why you're in this wheelchair?"

No. Bucky didn't know. He flopped his head to the side; his approximation of a head shake.

"You have traumatic brain injury," Sam continued. "That's why you can't move or talk or anything."

Bucky tried to process the words. Brain injury. That meant..... ohhh. That made sense. But, why did he have it? Was that why Steve was upset? Nausea churned in his stomach and he tried to stop the burp but he couldn't. His body had a mind of its own. He gagged slightly as some of his breakfast came up. 

"Whoops," Sam said mildly, grabbing a handful of paper towel. "Breakfast didn't all agree with you?" He wiped him clean, removing the wet bib. He'd found the clean ones and replaced it. "Want a drink?" He tipped Bucky's chin up and patiently held the sippy cup of water for him.

Bucky looked at him trying to convey his gratitude. The cool water tasted good. He tried to make his hand work but it wouldn't. Giving up he finished having his drink. When the cup was lowered he let out a breathy little sigh. "Aaaa."

"You're welcome." Sam gave his hand a gentle squeeze and went back to making breakfast. 

Bucky grinned. Sam seemed to understand. Maybe he could help Steve understand. Not that Steve didn't look after him well. Stevie was the best. No one was better than Steve.Bucky would never ever change his mind about that.

When breakfast was cooked, Sam covered the pan and turned his attention back to Bucky."You smell like you need a change."

Bucky didn't like that he had no bowel or bladder control. It was just plain embarrassing. Not that he could tell Steve that or do anything about it at this point. Brain injury must have something to do with it too. 

Sam changed Bucky and then put him back in the wheelchair."I think Steve might've fallen asleep in his bath. What do you think?"

Bucky flopped his head forward in agreement. 

Steve jerked awake when Sam knocked. "Steve, I made brunch."

Steve wearily pulled himself from the water, realizing he'd been soaking for over half an hour.Bucky! What if.... At the mention of brunch, his stomach growled loudly.Sam was still here. He hadn't taken Bucky away to have all the therapies. He dried off and got dressed, then made his way to the kitchen. "Hey Bucky, sorry-"

Sam cut him off. "Steve, Bucky's fine. He's not gonna curl up and die because you leave him with me for half an hour." He dished up the egg, bacon and hash brown mixture and now placed it in front of Steve."You're gonna eat and then you're gonna go sleep for a few hours."

Steve started to protest. "Bucky needs me to-" 

Once again Sam held up a finger. "Steve, please listen! If you're gonna look after him, you need to look after yourself."

Steve stopped arguing. He would lay down for fifteen minutes to satisfy Sam and then he and Bucky could go walking. Once his stomach was satisfied,he crawled into bed. Again, the guilty tears wet his cheeks until he fell into a deep exhausted sleep.

Sam and Bucky watched a movie, and then Sam fed him some lunch. Bucky seemed to enjoy the Mac n cheese purée. He drank his milk and then Sam put him down for a nap. "You need to have a little sleep for Sam, alright? I'm gonna tidy up."

Bucky didn't mind having a nap. He was tired and Steve was sleeping anyway. 

/////

Steve woke up, completely confused. Why was the sun shining at three? Slowly he remembered the morning's events and realized it was three in the afternoon. His skin was stiff and his eyes puffy from crying but he did feel less irritable. 

He padded into the kitchen to find Sam working on a crossword puzzle. The kitchen was sparkling. Bucky's three sippy cups were washed and drying upside down on a clean towel.The dishes were all done and it looked like Sam had maybe even washed the floor. Bucky's wheelchair tray had been washed and sanitized as well.

"Uh...." Steve began. "Thanks, Sam."

"No worries, man. Bucky went to sleep so I figured I might as well do something."

Steve slid into a chair. He had to talk about the therapy with Sam. He trusted him even if they didn't always agree. The issue of Bucky needing it was rolling more guilt onto Steve. He wanted to be all Bucky needed. But he wasn't. He wasn't enough.

"Sam....what will therapy do for Bucky?"

Sam realized Steve was starting to warm up to the idea. "It could help him walk, talk, eat, use the toilet; do all those things on his own." 

Steve thought about that. That would be good. Would Bucky stop needing him? That thought frightened him. At least now, Bucky needed him a lot. "But, what if he hates it?"

Sam looked sympathetic but answered honestly. "He might not always like it but he needs it."

Steve studied his hands, folded on the table, thinking over Sam's words. "I'll give it another try." 

Sam grinned. "That's awesome, Steve! You're not alone either."

Steve fought back the tears again. He'd done enough crying for today.

"I have to go to the store this afternoon. And Buck hasn't been out in several days. Wanna walk with us?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah, sure."

"I'm gonna get him up so he still sleeps at night," Steve said, escaping to Bucky's room, quickly wiping away the few tears that insisted on falling. 

Bucky was just waking up when Steve walked into his room. "Hi sunshine. Ready for a walk?" He checked his diaper. "All good."

Bucky settled into the wheelchair, yawning. He always felt so far away right when he woke up; like people were talking to him while he was under water.He hated it.

Sam helped buckle him in while Steve pulled on a sweater and got the wheelchair coverlet that Pepper had gotten custom made. It covered from Bucky's neck to knees completely and was able to be velcroed in the back so it wouldn't slide off. He fastened it, then tucked in the edges so it wouldn't let the chilly air in. A pair of slipper socks and a knitted hat completed Bucky's wardrobe.

Bucky flopped his head back. The hat was itchy! He tried to get his hand up. Steve! He wished Steve would scratch his ear. This no talking thing was hard!! 

Sam smiled as he tied the hat loosely under Bucky's chin. "That's gotta be the cutest hat."

Steve chuckled. "A gift from Nat. She said a kitty cat hat was perfect." He flicked one of the pink and black ears. "He doesn't like it though."

Bucky wanted to growl at Steve that he didn't MIND it. It just made his head itch. 

Steve wasn't chancing any earaches or flu because he got chilled so the hat was a necessary evil.

Bucky stopped fighting his hat when they stepped outside and the sun hit his face. Oh that felt good! He liked the sun. "Aaeee." Bucky's soft voice caught Steve's attention. "Outside," Steve grinned. "It's nice out finally!"

Sam patted his shoulder. "The sun probably feels good."

"It does." Steve felt at peace for now, with his two best friends next to him. 

A yellow leaf swirled down and landed on Bucky's tray. He remembered as kids throwing leaves up and watching them float down again. One more thing he couldn't do.... but the warm sun kept the negative thoughts at bay. 

Bucky blew at the leaf and grinned when Steve laughed. The leaf didn't move but he did drool excessively, then flopped his head back and grinned up at Steve. 

Steve felt a moment of complete absurd excitement. Bucky looked so happy today and it made him feel good. He gently wiped his chin. "You like the leaf? It's pretty cool. We used to do this." He picked the leaf up and let go watching it flutter. 

Bucky wanted to crow with excitement. He loved fall. "Aaaa!" Steve laughed again. "Let's go to the store so we can be back before movie night. I know. We could play with the leaves all afternoon."

The grocery store wasn't too busyand Steve was glad. They walked up and down the aisles picking out snacks.

Sam showed Bucky a few different snacks to get his "opinion" and he and Steve kept a running commentary for Bucky's part in the conversation.

Bucky kept grinning at the crazy conversation. He couldn't keep up but the fact that Steve was laughing, that was all that mattered. 

Steve saw Bucky's eyes shining with glee. Bucky was obviously enjoying the attention because he kept smiling.

"Steve," Sam said, "Just imagine if in six months, Bucky could be talking to us and cracking jokes!" 

"Because of speech therapy?" Steve asked. 

Sam nodded. "Yeah."

Steve forced a smile. "That would be fun." 

Bucky could tell Sam's words upset Steve. He didn't know what therapy was. Not being able to communicate was making him irritable. His mind went back to Steve's words. That's right. Sam had said it earlier as well. He was broken. Broken things couldn't always be fixed. Honestly, he was really tired of being broken.  
He was distracted from his thoughts by an older man stared at him until Bucky looked away. He wanted Steve to make people stop staring. A lady with three kids also stared. He felt like a freak show. Steve wasn't paying attention. He and Sam were comparing cheesies. He tried to glare at two women who saw him and whispered. The unwanted attention overwhelmed him and he started to cry and he felt so angry! He cried louder.   


Sam stayed calm as Steve started to panic. "I'll take him out. You get the stuff."

Sam pushed Bucky outside and shielded him from curious onlookers. "Bucky, it's okay to feel upset. TBI makes emotions go all over the place."

Bucky calmed down with Sam's words and the sunshine. He didn't like being in the store.  
lSteve came out and Sam pushed him home while Steve carried the bags. "Let's get home. I'm pretty sure he needs changing again."

"Probably." Sam agreed. "You guys feel up to doing movie night?"

Steve nodded. "Well give it a try. Not sure if Buck will be happy but his afternoon nap should have helped."

Bucky wanted to yell at Steve that he'd be fine! He liked watching movies. Broken, broken ; BROKEN. That's all he was right now. Sam had made Steve think he was broken. It was probably Sam's fault. 

Back in their apartment, Steve lay Bucky on a change mat and changed his messy diaper. "There. That should feel better."

Bucky agreed. It did feel better. Bucky wanted to get better. Desperately! He didn't know how. Maybe Steve would help. He had to help. He was Steve! He had made a promise. 

Sam had started dinner. "How about I feed Bucky and you eat dinner and then we can trade off."

Steve was going to protest that it was his job but Sam held up a finger. "Stop. I'm here to help. Round the clock care is exhausting and you were worn out. I could tell."

Steve swallowed his guilt and nodded. "Yeah. I was. Thanks Sam."

While Steve ate hot food for the first time in several weeks, Sam fed Bucky. 

Bucky was frustrated with his inability to communicate and started to cry when Sam gave him food instead of a drink. 

Steve immediately came to his side. "It's okay Buck. Drink? Food? You wet?" 

"Steve!" Sam said sharply. "I've got this. Eat your dinner."

Chastised, Steve sat back down, staring at his plate. 

Bucky had stopped crying at the interchange. 

Sam held his cup for him. "Bucky, if you want a drink, tap your finger or your hand on the tray." He demonstrated. 

Bucky watched him carefully. 

Sam did it again, then picked up the cup. "Drink."

Steve watched them, still feeling low for Sam yelling at him. He took a few deep breaths and finished eating. He couldn't be such a wuss.

Bucky finished eating and dropped his head forward trying to reach his cup. He whined. 

"Bucky," Sam said patiently. "Tap your tray." 

Bucky concentrated with all his might and managed to lift his fingers and drop them back to the tray. 

"Good work," Sam said and held the cup for him. 

After dinner that evening, Steve packed a few things into Bucky's wheelchair pockets, and Sam grabbed the snacks.

Steve put the tray on the wheelchair, then filled Bucky's cup with chocolate milk. It was a treat that Bucky loved. 

The three of them headed down to the common area. They were the first ones in the living room.

Bucky let his eyes graze the walls and light on the large tv. He was still enthralled with colour TVs. He spied his cup, recalling that Steve had put chocolate milk in it. He dropped his head forward. 

"You thirsty?" Sam asked. "Ask for it." He tapped the tray with his fingertips. "Drink."

Bucky tried to process what Sam was saying. He bobbed his head, trying to convey his want. 

"Tap your hand," Sam said again. 

Steve was getting his hackles up. "He's thirsty!" He picked the cup up and gave Bucky a drink. 

Sam didn't say anything but he knew Steve was going to need just as much help as Bucky if the therapists were going to actually help. 

Bruce came and crouched next to the wheelchair. "Hey Steve. Glad you could make it. How's Bucky today?"

"He seems happy this evening. He even napped this afternoon for two hours so that helps." Steve ruffled Bucky's hair.

Bucky grinned at Bruce to convey his excitement at being here.

Sam wiped his chin again. "He's sure in a good mood. Look at that smile."

Bruce nodded."That's good to hear. I'm glad you guys came!"

He put an arm around Steve's shoulders and gave him a quick squeeze.

Steve felt Sam's disappointment at not making Bucky ask for a drink but he pushed it aside. It was his job to take care of Bucky.He set his mouth stubbornly. 

The movie was an older eighties comedy that Steve had never seen.He got caught up in it. 

When he set his cup of pop on Bucky's tray beside the sippy cup Bucky grunted, head falling forward, in his usual way of asking for something. 

"Bucky," Sam said softly. "Tap your tray." 

Bucky flopped his head over to look at Steve. 

Steve wasn't paying attention however. 

Bucky made a frustrated sound. It was much harder to tap the tray than to just whine. 

Sam shook his head. "You can do it." 

Finally, Bucky lifted two fingers and dropped them again. 

Sam nodded. "Good job." He gave Bucky his drink. A dribble of chocolate milk and drool dripped onto his bib. 

Sam wiped his chin and turned back to the movie. If only Steve could understand that Bucky would benefit! 

The movie was a good one and even Bucky got a giggle out of it. 

When it was done, Steve got up. "Its bath time for Bucky."

Sam looked at him. "You need help?"

Steve shook his head. "I'm good now. Thanks Sam." 

Sam nodded. "I'll see you in a couple days then." He'd already made up his mind to be there when the therapists showed up. 

Steve gave him a small smile. "Thanks. I better get this guy upstairs and ready for bed."

Bucky loved having baths. Steve had found that almost any distress or sensory overload could be calmed with a bath. 

Half an hour later, Bucky was laying in the tub and feeling relaxed. Steve had the water just right.

"We had a busy day, right?" Steve asked, gently washing him. "Sam came over." Steve hesitated. "Buck, he thinks you should have therapy. I feel like it's gonna make things so complicated. I wish you could tell me what you think." 

Bucky's eyes went to Steve's face. "Aaa." He wanted to do whatever Steve wanted to help him get better.

"Geez. I'm losing it. I wish I knew if you understood!" 

Bucky wanted to cry. Yes Steve! I can understand! Just because my mouth doesn't work doesn't mean I can't understand you. 

Steve got him dried off, diapered and dressed in pajamas. Then he lay down next to him. He stroked Bucky's hair out of his eyes and kissed his forehead. "Steve's gonna tell you a story."

Bucky yawned, leaning on the foam wedge behind his back. He loved Steve's stories. 

Steve rambled about the past; about their history. 

Bucky felt peace wash over him. 

Memories fell like a soft rain, washing away the residue of exhaustion and frustration he'd felt earlier. 

Steve also seemed to be in a better frame of mind. He fell quiet, lost in thought.When he looked back at Bucky he was sound asleep, looking so happy.

Maybe Sam had a point about him needing help. He'd give therapy a fair chance. At the end of the day Bucky was still his. He needed Steve. A bit of the guilt was assuaged at this thought. He would do penance for letting Bucky fall forever if that's what it took.

Steve could've gone to his own bed but tonight he pulled the sheet over himself as well and dozed off beside Bucky feeling content.


	3. Chapter 3

A few days later, Steve and Sam sat on the couch watching as the physiotherapist tried to get Bucky to cooperate. He'd stretched Bucky's leg muscles several times by bending his knees and drawing his legs up. 

Bucky cried, unaccustomed to the pull and then; Steve had cried. 

Sam had walked him out of the room until he was calm again. 

Now, Bucky lay on his stomach on the living room floor,trying to keep his head up.It was hard for him to concentrate on not letting his nose bump the floor. The physical therapist had put a helmet on his head to stop any further injury. 

"C'mon Bucky. You gotta try." Joe took his arm again and helped him push himself up a bit. "Good. Again." 

Bucky made a sound that Steve knew was a distressed sound. He wanted to step in but Sam put a hand on his arm. "Breathe. Bucky's okay."

Joe wasn't mean by any stretch but he also didn't take Bucky's tears as a sign to stop. This was very hard for Steve. Sam suggested they go for a walk but Steve refused to leave Bucky.

"The goal is to get him up and hopefully walking again." Joe smiled at Sam. "I think he'll do pretty well if we can stay on top of his recovery."

Bucky pushed himself up again with his arm with Joe's help. His head dropped to the mat. 

Joe explained that he possibly had vertigo, something that was common with head trauma. It would get better as he moved more. It didn't stop him from making Bucky work. 

Joe gave him a minute to breathe. "One more time."

Bucky's arm shook from the effort to push himself up again. This was the third time. Joe encouraged him. "You can do it."

Bucky's elbow buckled and he smashed his head on the mat again. He started to cry which quickly turned into a tantrum. He screamed angrily, feeling overwhelmed. 

Steve stood up, ready to step in but Joe waved him away. "Bucky. Stop it. You're fine." He rolled him onto his back.

Sam pulled Steve back. "Seriously. You gotta let Joe work."

"He can't understand you!" Steve burst out.

"And he's never going to if you keep babying him," Joe said. "Maybe you should take a break. Go see your other friends." 

Steve shook his head. "No. I'll stay." He took a deep breath. 

Sam watched him, gauging his stress level. 

Joe waited till Bucky was calm again, then took his hand. "Let's try some grasping exercises."

Bucky turned away. "Na!"

Steve got up. "I know you're just helping but we'll pick it up next time." 

Sam huffed in exasperation. "Steve! GIVE the man a chance!!"

Joe shrugged. "He really needs to be pushed a bit to get him started."

Steve was so annoyed right now.With Joe and Sam. 

Bucky was trying to get away from Joe and crying again. 

Steve fought with himself for a bit and then his sympathy for Bucky won out. "No more. He's exhausted." 

Joe shrugged and packed up his things. "I'll be back on Monday." Once the door was closed behind Joe, Sam remained quiet. 

Steve got Bucky back into his wheelchair and didn't say anything. 

Sam followed him into the kitchen. "Steve." 

Steve ignored him, pretty sure he wouldn't be able to speak past the golf ball in his throat anyway.Tears started to drip down his nose and he determinedly stayed facing away from Sam. 

When Tony had suggested therapy Steve thought he was crazy. Bucky wasn't going to get much better, was he? Joe had been optimistic. Bucky needed therapy. He struggled with the feelings of anger and feeling alone in his desire to protect Bucky from anything that was painful. He wondered if it was even accepted! He was so rough with Bucky! 

"Steve." Sam wasn't going away. He wasn't taking the hint. 

Steve stopped trying to staunch the tears and sniffled before blowing his nose and taking a deep breath. 

Bucky was trying to grasp the foam banana that Joe had left for him. It fell off his tray. 

Steve picked it up, putting it on the wheelchair tray again. "What?" He asked Sam, hearing the petulance in his own voice. 

Sam quirked an eyebrow. "What's the problem? Joe was doing a great job."

Bucky tapped his fingers against the tray. 

Steve took the cup of water and put the spout in Bucky's mouth. "Here. Have a drink." He was glad for the distraction. How could he explain to Sam all the things he was feeling? He'd been able to see Sam's logic in helping Bucky communicate the need for a drink and the tapping was becoming more consistent.It was good. It didn't take Bucky away from Steve. 

"I'm not sure I can explain it." Steve mumbled, refusing to look at Sam.  
Joe had suggested putting Bucky's hand around the cup. It would help with his grasp. 

Bucky would be able to gain back as much independence as he could. Steve agreed with the principle. But that overwhelming fear of not being needed kept him from really putting the therapy to use on his own. 

Bucky stared off into space, drool running down his chin. 

Steve tapped his tray to get his attention. "Bucky. You want a drink?" Half heartedly he took Bucky's hand and put it on the handle of the cup. Bucky's hand fell back to the tray.

Steve lifted it for him "You were thirsty." 

Sam waited until Steve was done. "Why don't you try to explain it. Maybe I can help."  
Bucky yawned and then whined. 

"Ready for a nap?" Steve asked. "Be right back," he said to Sam.

Bucky needed a diaper change and then Steve put him to bed. He sat beside Bucky holding the plush out to him. 

Bucky tried to grasp it, tongue sticking out with the effort. His hand closed around the squishy foam and he managed to drag it closer to him. He grinned at Steve, very proud of his accomplishment. 

"Good work," Steve smiled. "Time for a nap." He took the plush then covered Bucky, putting the rails up. Now to try and answer Sam's question. 

Sam waited patiently for Steve to get his words together and when Steve finally expressed his fears and his guilt and his desire to look after Bucky, Sam understood. "You're not awful for feeling that way. You just gotta work through it. Bucky needs therapy. And you gotta support him in that."

They talked about other things after that but the words didn't leave Steve's head. Long after Sam had gone, Steve thought about how he could help Bucky without losing him. 

/////

On Friday morning, Mandy Scholl studied her patient quietly. 

Bucky seemed more awake today. He followed her with his eyes. She had a diagnosis of poor spatial awareness. This was the first thing to work on. He was very uncomfortable with being anywhere but his wheelchair. 

Mandy took his hand and showed him a bright orange ball in her other hand. "Bucky, take the ball."

Bucky looked confused. His eyes lit on the ball but he made no move to take it. 

He liked Mandy. She was really nice. Today he couldn't make the words make sense. 

She took his hand, moving ittowards her hand and touched the ball to his palm. "Can you hold it?" She let go and the ball dropped. "Bucky. You need to hold it. Work with me, buddy." 

Bucky tried. The ball was almost too slippery and his tentative grasp couldn't clench enough.Over and over, the ball slipped from his grasp. Mandy went on to brushing his skin with a soft brush to help stimulate his sensory perception.She used what looked likea tiny tooth brush to brush all over inside his mouth. Bucky gagged and then cried. 

Mandy asked Steve to do it every day to help him get used to having things in his mouth and help his muscles learn to work again.

Steve sighed a little. "It's so hard for him."

She nodded. "Yes it is. That's why it's therapy."

Steve grimaced. 

Mandy interpreted his look correctly. "He's not going to get better if he doesn't get pushed a little." She patted Bucky's hand. "Who knows. He might be walking and talking in six months."

Steve wanted to laugh out loud at that. Six months of making Bucky cry and get upset?? He didn't like to inflict any kind of emotional upset on Bucky. And these therapies were upsetting for Bucky. 

Mandy took her leave and Bucky went down for a nap. Therapy wore him out. He didn't complain at all.

Steve carefully covered him making certain the rails were up on either side of him. It wouldn't be good if he fell out of bed.

When he got back to the living room, Sam was letting himself in. "Hey, man."

"Hey," Steve greeted with a grin."Great to see you!!"

"How ya doing?" Sam asked. 

Steve knew the question was genuine. After the failed physio appointment, Sam asked him almost daily which things he was helping Bucky with. "Uh, well.... therapy was tough. OT today. Seems like everyone is pushing him so hard." 

"Pushing him? How?" Sam asked in confusion. 

"Like, when Joe made him cry. Bucky banged his face on the floor cuz he couldn't hold himself up."

Sam listened thoughtfully. "He had a helmet on. It didn't hurt him. Bucky was mad. Joe is one of the best qualified physios out there, though. What are you expecting?"

Steve shrugged. "I dunno. It just hurts me to see him try so hard and they just keep pushing until he's so frustrated." 

Sam looked sympathetic. "I get that,and given how much you want to protect him; I understand, but look at it this way. You train for battle. Right? You don't just sit on the couch and expect to win a fight. You train. You punch those sand bags until you wanna scream some days."

Steve thought that over for some time. "So, how do they know when he's making progress. To me it just looks like they are trying to make him do stuff he can't do. Are they just gonna keep pushing him until he flips out?"

Sam shrugged. "Why don't you ask the therapists? They can probably tell you a lot better what his prognosis is."

Steve shook his head. "Nah. I don't feel like talkin' to them right now." 

Sam looked at Steve suspiciously. "You know stopping his therapy before he's had a chance to really even get started is just going to throw him backwards. If it was you, and there was a chance you could get better, wouldn't you want to?"

Sam had been all for the therapy when Steve brought up Tony's idea.

Steve let out a long breath. "I know. I'm just not sure how to stop feeling like the biggest jerk ever for letting them hurt him."

"They're probably not hurting him," Sam said patiently. "They have to work his muscles." 

Steve looked so down that Sam suddenly remembered what he'd come up here for. "Hey a bunch of the guys wanna go for dinner and drinks. You wanna come?"

Steve looked at him in slight confusion. "But.... Bucky."

"You can bring him if you want, or... maybe Pepper could watch him?" Sam looked so eager, Steve couldn't let him down. 

"I'll see if she has time." He texted her and a moment later she answered. She did, indeed, have time. 

Steve felt excitement at the prospect of a night out. He hadn't been out since bringing Bucky home. The all familiar guilt ached through his gut at the thought of leaving Bucky. What if he cried? What if he got hurt? Without telling Sam his thoughts, he put on a bright smile. "I'm gonna get dressed while he's sleeping."

Sam shrugged. "Alright. Pick you up at seven?"

Steve gave a thumbs up and hurried to his bedroom. After putting on jeans and a T-shirt, just right for a casual night out, he puréed potatoes, carrots and mild sausage for Bucky's dinner. 

When Bucky woke up, Steve was ready to give him a bath before dinner. Usually he had one before bed but he was pretty sure Bucky would be in bed by the time he got home.

Half an hour later, Bucky was bathed and dressed in fuzzy pajamas, content now to watch Dukes Of Hazzard on the tv.

Steve had discovered the show awhile back and loved it. 

He put a clean bib on Bucky. "I'm gonna warm up your dinner. I know it's earlier than usual but Pepper is gonna be here in about an hour and a half." He popped the plastic bowl in the microwave to heat the glorified baby food. He carried it to the living room, holding the bowl of food out of reach. "Ready for some dinner?"

Bucky was eating more now. He'd started with a small bowl and had steadily been increasing his food intake. His super soldier metabolism needed it. Now a regular cereal bowl not quite half full was usually all gone before he was done. It always took awhile to feed him. 

Steve fed him, holding tight to the spoon when Bucky grabbed at it. "That's right. Hold the spoon. Let's put it in your mouth." 

Bucky tried to make his fingers grasp the thin metal but it was not like his ball or banana. He lost interest in helping and Steve was too tired to push him. 

When the food and milk were gone, Steve gave him a cloth. "Wipe your face." 

Bucky got his fingers around the cloth and picked it up, dropping it when he got it halfway to his face. He tried again but failed once more. He made a distressed sound. 

"Yeah you dropped it," Steve said, picking up the cloth. "It's okay. Steve will help." He wiped the food off of Bucky's face. "Better?"

Bucky leaned back against the headrest, drooling heavily.  
Steve grabbed the ever present towel from the back of Bucky's chair and put it under his chin, waiting for him to throw up. 

Bucky brought up some of his food then grunted and leaned away from the towel. He hated throwing up! 

"Hopefully that's it." Steve tossed the small towel in the laundry, then hung a fresh one in its place.

Pepper knocked at 6:45. Steve let the tall strawberry blonde in.

"Sam is waiting for you," she said, sitting beside Bucky. 

Bucky was still holding the wet cloth and watching tv. 

"You're washing your tray all by yourself?" She patted the tray, distracting Bucky for a moment. He glanced at Pepper and then went back to his show.

"Thanks Pepper," Steve said gratefully. The team had rallied around him despite the tough start. "I fed and changed him. He should be ready for bed in about an hour." 

Pepper waved him away. "I've got this. Go."

Steve nodded and left. What was his life even? He didn't think he'd ever experienced the mix of emotions that seemed to be his constant frame of mind lately. He just wanted to forget about everything for one night.

Half an hour later, Clint, Tony, Sam, Steve and Bruce were sitting at a table in one of the nicer bars, waiting on dinner and drinking ice cold mugs of beer. There was a basketball game going on in the corner on a huge flatscreen.

Steve let himself relax. Tomorrow was another day to ponder the questions that are at him. Tonight he could push them away.

This was a treat. He hadn't hung out with the guys in a long time. He thought that he should probably buy Pepper a big bouquet of flowers.

He raised his glass with the others as their team scored, making all the men yell. He grinned like an idiot.

A year ago he'd taken his freedom for granted.He was lonely because Bucky was in cryo again and he felt like he'd been lost. 

Now? He appreciated that he had people to lean on.

Bucky was a lot of work. Not that Steve would ever trade him for a world of friends. But hanging out like this was nice. Once in awhile. Just to get a bit of a break. 

He whooped again and raised his nearly empty glass when the team scored again, laughing along with the rest. He probably had needed this. The thought that maybe being able to do this with Bucky in the future crossed his mind.If the therapy worked. Sam's voice seemed to remind him, "If you let the therapy help, it will." 

He resolved again to try harder.He wanted nothing more than to share fun times with Bucky again.


	4. Chapter 4

Mandy and Steve sat off to the side watching as the new speech therapist tapped the wheelchair tray to get Bucky's attention.

Arlene had been trying to get him to imitate her for over half an hour with little luck but she didn't give up. 

She used the small brush to brush first his cheeks on the outside then inside his mouth. 

Mandy explained it to Steve. "It'll stimulate his nerves and help him understand how his muscles need to move." 

Bucky tried to pull away but Arlene didn't give up. "Bucky, stick your tongue out." She stuck her tongue out.

Bucky looked away, trying to ignore her. 

She waited a moment then moved into his line of vision again. "Stick your tongue out."

Bucky frowned. "Na!" 

"Yes," she said calmly. "Stick your tongue out."

Fine. He managed to poke the tip of his tongue out at will. 

She nodded. "Very good."   


He wanted to scoff. Yippee yi yay. He stuck his tongue out. His ma would've swatted him for that.

She tapped his hand then pointed to her lips when his attention wandered again. "Watch me." She blew a raspberry. 

He watched her and stuck his tongue out again, flopping forward with the effort. This was so damn difficult!

"Blow," she instructed.

Bucky couldn't get it. He was trying to understand what to do. His tongue felt heavy and clumsy. 

Blow. 

He had a vague recollection of being told to blow something and it had been fun but he didn't think it was actually appropriate to bring up at this point. He giggled slightly. 

Arlene also laughed. "You have a dirty mind, Bucky."

Surprised that she had picked up on that he shot her an awkward grin and tried again. She was nice. He gave it an honest try. He stuck his tongue out and tried to move air past it. He was concentrating so hard that he accidentally passed gas. Embarrassed, he dropped his chin, letting his long hair cover his burning face. He couldn't even say excuse me! He hoped she realized that he meant it though. 

Mandy raised an eyebrow. "That's a new reaction."

Arlene was quiet for a few minutes."You know," she said slowly. "I think he understands a lot. He just can't communicate it. His brain is healing."

Steve looked at her in surprise. "What do you mean?"

"Just now, he was embarrassed." Arlene touched his hand. "It's okay Bucky. Everyone does it."

Mandy nodded. "I think he's trying so hard to communicate. But he can't."

Bucky looked up, letting his head fall back against the head rest. They were right! Finally someone who understood! He wanted Steve to understand. Steve was the one that mattered most to him.

Damn, he hated the lack of control he had over everything. He liked it when Steve took care of him. That felt good. But passing gas or crapping his pants in front of strangers; and women! No. He didn't like that at all.

Not like his body gave him any choice! Maybe he could learn it with therapy. He'd heard that word a lot the last few days. Therapy seemed like the magic cure. He hoped it would be.

Steve felt a new wave of guilt for waiting so long with the therapy. "You mean....he can hear and understand everything? And he just can't talk?" If Bucky was trapped in his body; how awful was that??

Arlene waggled her hand a bit. "There is definitely some irreversible brain damage but yes I do think he understands a lot more than we thought at first. He can relearn a lot of the basic skills. Before you go off thinking that he's been trapped like this since you brought him home; relax. I didn't see this amount of alertness at first."

At this point, Bucky lost control of his bowels. He cried. Unable to communicate what he needed, and embarrassed too, he wailed.

Steve took him to his room. "It's okay Buck. Seriously. We'll work on it. I'll take care of you." How could he have been so blind??

After Bucky was calmed down, changed, and back in his chair, Arlene managed to get his attention again. "Let's work on some more blowing. I have a candle here. I want you to blow it out."

Bucky was tired of trying to blow and turned his face away. "Na."

"We're almost done." Arlene lit the candle and held it in proximity to Bucky. "Blow."

Bucky turned back, looking at the flickering flame. He had no memory of ever blowing out a candle. He frowned a little. 

Arlene demonstrated by pursing her lips and blowing. 

Bucky couldn't make his lips do that but he tried. He blew and the flame flickered but didn't go out. He did however manage to drool all down his chin. 

Steve wiped his face. "Good try Buck!"

Bucky eyed the flame again. Then looked at Arlene. How was he supposed to do this? 

"Breathe in," she said, pulling in a deep breath. "Blow out." She did and the flame was extinguished. 

She relit it and smiled. "Your turn."

Bucky opened his mouth and drew in a breath then blew, drowning the flame in spit. 

Arlene chuckled. "Great work! You did it!"

Bucky's grin lit up his whole face. He did it!! He blew out the candle! He'd done something!! He wanted to do it again. "Aaa!"

"Again?" Arlene asked. "Tap your tray for yes." 

Bucky stared at his fingers willing them to move.Finally he managed to tap and looked at Arlene with a grin again. 

Arlene nodded and smiled. "Good work!" She lit the candle and held it towards him. "Blow."

Bucky pulled in a breath and and blew, not caring that drool followed his blowing. He had to try three times but he did it. 

Steve clapped his hands. "Great work, bud!"

Arlene instructed Steve to work on blowing and also tapping his fingers for yes, and curling his hand for no, rather than for specific words. This would give him a form of communication. 

Steve wiped Bucky's chin again. "Thanks so much Arlene." 

She gathered up her things and Mandy accompanied her out the door. "See you next week." 

Steve sat lost in thought after they'd gone. Bucky needed him and he needed therapy. Steve could do this! 

"Are you hungry?" Steve asked, realizing it was almost lunch time. He was going to just go warm up Bucky's food but realized that he could let Bucky answer it himself. 

He turned back and got Bucky's attention. "Do you want lunch?"

Bucky stares at his hand, trying hard. He tapped two fingers on the tray and gave Steve an exhausted grin. 

Steve felt like flying! "Alright! One Bucky special coming up!"

Mandy had brought up that he should start feeding Bucky soft but not pureed food so that he could learn to chew and use his mouth and tongue to eat. 

Hoping he wouldn't make Bucky sick, Steve warmed up the mashed potatoes mixed with peas and tiny pieces of ham. They were small enough to swallow but chunky to encourage chewing. 

Bucky waited impatiently for Steve to fasten a dry bib around his neck. He tapped his fingers again in agitation. 

"Hold your horses," Steve laughed. "I'm just getting your milk." 

He sat down and offered Bucky the spoon. 

Bucky tried to chew a bit, and ended up losing most of the spoonful. 

Steve tried again, a smaller bite. It was successful. Bucky swallowed and opened his mouth for more. 

After a third bite, Steve asked if he needed a drink. He made himself leave the cup on the tray until Bucky managed to tap his fingers. 

Bucky got frustrated about halfway through lunch at his inability to close his hand or ask for a drink. He screamed and flailed his arm, knocking the bowl of food onto the floor. 

"Bucky!" Steve barked.Great! He hadn't prepared more than one helping. 

Bucky continued to scream. 

Steve put his cup back on the tray. He'd picked it up when he realized Bucky was getting frustrated. "Try again. Do you need a drink?" 

Bucky's cries were losing steam.He flopped his hand on the tray. 

Steve thought it was close enough. He put the cup to Bucky's mouth. 

Bucky had his drink and then put his head back. He was tired and feeling very fuzzy.Things weren't making sense. 

"Nap?" Steve asked. 

Bucky tapped his fingers.

Steve gave him a cloth. "Wipe your face." He lifted Bucky's hand in his own and wiped his face clean. "Good."

Once Bucky was in bed safely, Stev cleaned up the mess and made himself a couple sandwiches. 

Bucky always had a temper and it seemed like that hadn't really changed. 

Steve's mind went over the therapy again, smiling as he remembered how proud Bucky had looked when he'd been able to blow out the candle. 

Physio was another story. Steve had a hard time liking Joe. Hopefully they'd see some success there too. 

Steve took the opportunity to have a bath while Bucky napped. He was trying to take care of himself more. 

He sank into the hot water with a sigh of happiness. His mind was already full of all the things he could help Bucky relearn. 

Maybe....maybe Bucky would eventually be close to his normal self again. 

Steve thought back to just before he'd gone back into cryo in Wakanda. Bucky hadn't been the man Steve remembered completely. He'd been trying to take care of himself. Steve had noticed the differences though. Bucky was out of touch with his body. 

When they'd put his arm in the vise after he had been triggered, Bucky had seemed so tired. Steve recognized it now as delays due to brain trauma. 

Poor Bucky. So many trials. 

Without meaning to, Steve remembered the mountain. Bucky's screams, the train. 

He'd let him fall. 

With a new determination Steve jutted his chin out. Bucky would never fall again on his watch! Ever! He would allow the therapy. Bucky needed it. But Steve would be the one Bucky could lean on. 

After his bath, he read for awhile until he heard Bucky moving around. 

Bucky tried to focus but his brain may as well be mush. Steve was talking to him. He tried to understand what Steve was saying. 

Steve checked his diaper and lifted him into his wheelchair. 

Steve wondered why Bucky looked so out of it at times. It was a question he needed an answer to. 

He put Bucky in front of the tv and then sent Shuri an email. She would know. Or she would know someone who had an answer.

It was an hour later that Steve had his answer and had a new term to learn. "Dissociation." He read the word slowly. 

The Wakandan neurologist said dissociation was common among TBI survivors. Symptoms were, poor focus, a glazed look, slow or lack of response to verbal input. 

Steve frowned. There was no cure or anything he could do to snap him out of it. It would pass. 

Bucky was alert now, watching tv. 

Steve sat next to him. He had been reminded that he needed to explain things to Bucky. 

"Buck," he started. "I need to tell you something." He flicked off the tv. "You have TBI, traumatic brain injury.With therapy, you can learn to do lots of stuff again. 

I learned today that because your brain was hurt real bad; you also have something called dissociative episodes. The brain doc said you'd feel fuzzy and out of it."

Bucky listened to Steve. Yes. TBI. Joe, Mandy and Arlene had all used the term and so had Sam. Now Steve was using it. Bucky figures it must be real. What was this other thing? Dissociative episodes? Fuzzy. Feeling out of it. That made a lot of sense!! He let himself think about that for awhile. 

Steve had turned the tv back on and was watching. He was resting his arm on Bucky's tray, engrossed in the show. 

Bucky felt happy. Steve really was taking his care seriously. Steve loved him. He always had. Bucky knew that without a doubt. 

He flopped his hand onto Steve's arm."Aaa." He hoped Steve understood what he was trying to convey. He lifted his eyes to Steve's face. 

Steve looked at him, with a softening in his eyes. His heart felt ready to burst. "I love you too," Steve whispered softly.

Bucky smiled and let himself relax now.Steve knew. 


	5. Chapter 5

Two months later: 

Steve and Bucky sat at the table; Bucky strapped into his wheelchair. 

Bucky had made progress. Or at least that's what Steve kept telling him. He was impatient to walk again and stuff like that though! Seemed like it was never gonna happen. Everyone around him did everyday things and he watched from his chair. 

Steve had a wet cloth on the wheelchair tray and he was waiting for Bucky to lift it. 

"You can do it," he encouraged. 

Joe had been working primarily to get Bucky's arm functional again. Lots of lifting, pulling and grasping exercises. Every physio appointment centred around his gross motor skills. Lifting, sitting, moving his legs; it was hard work and Bucky was often frustrated. 

With Joe and Steve's help; he had sat on a real chair last time Joe had been here. No restraints. Unless you counted the "walking belt".It was a type of waist harness that let Steve and Joe hold him up without restraining him from moving on his own as much as he could.   


Eventually he would use it to relearn walking but for now, sitting on a chair had been amazing! He had found, though, that all his energy had gone into remaining upright and he hadn't been able to pick up the ball from the table without losing his balance and having to lean on Steve. The vertigo wasn't all better yet either. Joe said to give it time. 

Bucky looked at the cloth. His arm was getting stronger again. Or maybe, his brain was sending signals that were actually being received.He felt drool run down his chin as he concentrated at getting his hand on the cloth and slowly wrapped his index, middlefinger and thumb around it. His pinky and ring finger stayed stubbornly curled even though Joe had worked them a lot. He grunted with the effort of lifting the cloth. He hoped it wouldn't always be this hard. He put his head back and grinned at Steve when he could raise the cloth to his face. It got him in the eyes rather than going to his mouth but hey! He lifted the damn thing!

Steve cleaned his face with a grin. "Good work!"

"Goo'," Bucky mumbled, movinghis tongue like Arlene had taught him. Very slowly, the words were coming back. Not fast enough for him though. Seemed like everyone around him took their ability to talk for granted too. He wanted to yell at everyone to stop using words so carelessly. 

He could make words that were actually passable if he worked at it. He got frustrated a lot with his lack of progress. It seemed like he tried and tried and nothing changed.   


His tummy was comfortably full and he wanted to be dry. "Dee. Dia-di--." That was as close as he could get to saying diaper. Making his lips close for sounds was still beyond his abilities but he could tell Steve now when he needed to be changed at least.The stuttering, however, drove him insane! Arlene said it was normal to stutter after a brain injury. 

"You need a change?" Steve asked, interpreting his words. 

Bucky tapped his fingers on the tray, completely exhausted. He'd had OT this morning and he needed a nap. 

Steve wheeled him to his room. "Okay. Let's get that done then you can have a sleep. You're tired. You have speech this afternoon too. A rest will be good." 

"Di-ed." He repeated in agreement. 

Steve nodded. "Good words! Tired."

Once he was dry, Steve tucked him in and snapped the rails into place.   


One day soon, hopefully, Bucky could sleep in a regular bed. Once he was able to move on his own.He wanted to so badly! He tried not to dwell on the negative thoughts that said he'd never get better. It was hard to keep them at bay but he tried. 

Steve gave Bucky a kiss on the forehead. "Sleep well, honey."

Steve gently closed the door.

As he tidied up the kitchen, he smiled at the paper on the table. Mandy had given Bucky a jumbo crayon and asked if he could write part or all of his name. The B was wavery and it almost looked upside down, the top being bigger than the bottom. He'd managed what passed for a 'u' as well. The c and k were there but not really legible.Steve still wanted to jump up and down and dance with Bucky. He'd come so far!!!

Steve's eyes went to the framed photos on the table of Bucky the day he'd brought him here and one taken only a few weeks ago. 

In the first, he sagged against the five point harness, drool making his chin shiny. The second one, Bucky was grinning and holding a ball.   
He was moving around more now. He could roll over in bed, or on the floor, talk some; enough anyway to get his needs across, and he was starting to have more alert days than not. He only drooled now when he was concentrating really hard on something and forgot to close his mouth.  
The dissociative episodes still happened. Apparently that might never go away. Mandy had suggested the photos to help Bucky track his progress and Steve was willing to do that. 

He would've liked to hang Bucky's paper on the fridge but he thought Bucky might not like that. He got embarrassed of his shortcomings.

Mandy was encouraging him to work on some fine motor skills, like feeding himself and washing his own face, writing his name. Things that required him to get better control of his arm and hand. Steve found it hard sometimes to watch him struggle so hard. The desire to protect Bucky was still strong. 

Steve's mind skipped to the thoughts and anxieties that always lived in his head, plaguing him with the overwhelming fear that when Bucky was 'better' he wouldn't want to stay with Steve.   
He loved taking care of Bucky. Not just because he loved Bucky so much but it also assuaged the crippling guilt Steve carried everyday.   


It still scared him to think Bucky could be completely self sufficient with time. Would they lose the bond they had with Steve helping Bucky down to the most intimate details like cleaning himself or brushing his teeth? On the other hand, being able to laugh and joke around instead of always just being the caretaker might be nice. He didn't want to lose Bucky. That was the basis of every fear. He wished he could understand why he felt this way. He didn't feel like he could tell anyone. He would suffer in silence. After all, Bucky had to. 

Sam was still making his weekly visits but it was more to watch one of Bucky's favourite shows with him while Steve went for a run or to work out. Of course Bucky still needed help with everything but Steve preferred to be the one doing it. 

Sam was completely pumped to see Bucky coming so far already. He was talking about double dates and guys' nights. 

Steve kept his anxieties to himself, concerning Bucky's healing. It's not that he didn't want him to get better. He did! But every time Bucky learned something new, the fear that Steve wasn't needed, grew. He stuffed the feelings down.

Steve stared at the picture of Bucky slumped over in his wheelchair again. He missed the days of being Bucky's everything. He'd honestly forgotten how burned out he'd been after a few weeks, though. He just wanted Bucky to stay needy, which made him feel like an ungrateful and selfish wretch.

He could see how far Bucky had come in four months. He had opinions and he was still stubborn. He threw tantrums almost daily. Mandy said it was a direct result of his brain injury. It seemed to be a part of everything. His sleeping wasn't great. He got a lot of nightmares. It all helped Steve to hold onto the idea that Bucky needed him a lot. 

A sudden scream and a cry from Bucky's room had him up and running. Poor Bucky had only slept forty five minutes! Steve hurried into the bedroom and talked in a low voice. "You're okay, Buck. You're with Steve."

Bucky turned wide, tear wet eyes on him. He was sobbing, only half awake. 

Steve gently pulled him up and wrapped his arms around him to hold him up and comfort him. "Steve has you. Shh. You're okay." 

Once Bucky calmed down enough to let Steve lay him down again, he tried to put his terror into words, but, as was pretty normal when he woke up, his words weren't working. "Aaa. Ee." Was all he managed before dissolving into quieter cries again.

Steve gave him a hug then put him in his wheelchair. "It was a really scary dream. I know."

Once Bucky had a drink, and then some time to breathe and calm down, he looked at Steve. "Dan 'oo."

"You're welcome," Steve said, rubbing a thumb over his hand. Bucky had just recently started saying "fees" for please and "Dan oo" for thank you. 

Steve also wanted Bucky to know that despite his own anxieties, he was behind him all the way. He never ever wanted to make Bucky feel like he couldn't push forward. 

"Buck, I want you to know how proud I am of you. You're starting to use a lot of words and you're learning stuff fast." He set a small jar of applesauce on the table. "You want dessert?"

Bucky smiled. He wished he knew if Steve was actually thinking that he'd taken steps forward. All he wanted was to make Steve happy. 

"Can I ask you a question?" Steve asked, a serious look on his face. 

Bucky pushed his own thoughts away. He'd figure it out later. "Uh?" He asked. It was good to be able to have limited conversation! 

Steve had considered this for some time, talking to Bucky about his anxieties. The fact that they just about ate him alive made him want answers. "It might sound really stupid." Steve's eyes fell to the table, his cheeks pink with shame, but he carried forward. "Even when you're all better, are you still gonna ne...-want to be with me?" His voice was soft and Bucky could tell he'd been obsessing about this. 

Bucky studied his face. Oh Steve. "D-Dee..I aw-awwa nee' oo." It took several moments to get the whole thought out. He took a deep breath and grinned at Steve. "Ah!"

Steve's eyes watered with the reassurance. "Thanks Buck." He swiped at a tear that spilled over. "I know it's hard for you to talk but thank you. I needed to hear that." 

"We'none'!" Bucky wanted to lighten the mood. It was what they had always done. How could Steve EVER think he wouldn't need him? "Oo a der!" He said, giggling. "Need oo!"

"You calling me a jerk?!" Steve sputtered, mock hurt. He'd acknowledged Steve's gratitude with a "welcome".Steve felt giddy with excitement. "YOU're the jerk!"

"Na!" Bucky protested then muttered. "Tunh." (Punk) 

"Dumbass," Steve returned before starting to laugh. 

He loved that he and Bucky could fling insults back and forth again. It was something they'd done so often in their lives and it had broken many moments when they didn't have words to convey their feelings. They fell silent so Steve retrieved his sketch book. 

While Steve drew, Bucky dozed off in his wheelchair again. He was used to napping a couple hours most days. Forty five minutes wasn't enough. 

Steve watched him, marvelling at how beautiful he was. His face still had a softness to it when he slept that had never been wiped away by war or Hydra. His sweet, gorgeous Bucky. 

His long lashes fanned out on his cheekbones and he breathed softly. His breathing was much better now. He could sleep laying flat in bed now without oxygen. 

Steve very carefully tilted the seat back so Bucky's head wasn't at such an odd angle. "I love you so much," he whispered. 

At three o' clock, Bucky was awake for the most part for Arlene's appointment. Steve gave him his applesauce then got him washed up for his appointment.

Arlene set her things up on the coffee table as usual. "Hello Bucky."

"Heyyo Een," he greeted. 

"How are you today?" She asked.

He had to think for a bit, tongue poking out between his lips. "I g-g-." He stopped and squeezed his eyes shut. "I goo'. Dan."

Steve got a little thrill that Bucky was using his manners with Arlene too. His ma had taught him to be a gentleman. "Arlene," Steve said curiously, "Why are the end sounds of Bucky's words missing? Like gooD , he misses the D or he says Na instead of no."

"We just have to keep working on it. It takes practice." She smiled at her client. "And time." 

She put four large foam puzzle pieces on Bucky's tray. "Mandy said you were doing some fine motor practice. Can you do this puzzle and tell me what you see in the picture?" 

Bucky wrapped his two good fingers around one piece and tried to put it on the second piece. It was a picture of a horse. He used to love horses. "H-h-howde." 

Arlene nodded. "Yes. A horse. Good words." 

She watched Bucky pick up the puzzle piece again. "Speech is a very complicated thing to relearn."

Bucky tried to put his piece onto the second one but it wasn't working. He tried again. He knew something wasn't quite right but he couldn't figure out the solution. He suddenly screamed in frustration and hurled the puzzle piece on the floor, quickly followed by the other three. "Ca' da i-!!" He yelled. "Na wo'g."

Arlene picked up the puzzle pieces. "You  can do it, Bucky. Getting mad isn't going to make it work though. Take some deep breaths."

Bucky didn't want to take deep breaths. He was tired of trying so hard and nothing was working!! Why couldn't Arlene see this?? She could talk! She didn't understand! "NA!" He curled his hand and pounded it on the tray.  


He still couldn't talk properly; and he couldn't walk. He couldn't even sit up on his own! Dammit he was just so tired of trying! "Na do i-!" He screamed, pounding his palm on his tray as hard as he could to emphasize it. "Ga-ay!" He wanted to just curl up on Steve's lap and stop trying. 

"Bucky!" Arlene said sharply, trying to snap him out of his tantrum. 

He threw his head back against the head rest and kicked his better leg. "Na!! Ga -ay! Hade oo!" He motioned angrily towards the door and then dissolved into loud, angry sobs. "Dee!..." He held his hand out to Steve, pleading to be held. 

Steve immediately got up. "I've got you, Buck. Shh. I've got you."

Arlene wasn't happy with Steve's immediate response to Bucky's tantrum but she didn't say anything. Bucky had a hard time controlling and processing his emotions. Unfortunately, Steve was encouraging him. 

Steve took him out of his chair and held him, speaking soothingly. 

Bucky let his head fall onto Steve's shoulder, his tears soaking into Steve's blue T-shirt. Steve would make it better. He would make Arlene go away. 

After a few minutes of calming down time, Arlene asked if they could finish speech. 

"Na," Bucky said immediately. He didn't want any more therapy. It wasn't helping anyway. He was all alone with this problem and no one understood. He would be happier living out his days with Steve taking care of him. Steve wanted Bucky here.

Steve was going to tell Arlene speech was over for the day but he stopped. "Buck, what if I hold you? Can you finish speech then?"

Bucky breathed out the last of his cries and hiccuped. He didn't want to but sitting with Steve was nicer. "Ah," he agreed. "Dee, ada."   


"Water?" Steve asked, offering him his cup of water.   


He tapped Steve's arm in an affirmative and drank thirstily. 

Arlene got some more things out of her bag. 

She set up a mini basket ball hoop on the coffee table, two feet from Steve's knees. "We're going to work on some word strategies for your angry feelings, Bucky."

Bucky let Steve shift him so he was sitting with his back to Steve's chest.He was exhausted like he always was after a tantrum but he figured he'd give her one more chance. 

Arlene brought out a mini sponge basketball and said, "First we're going to identify an angry word. Telling people you hate them when you're angry is not okay. I know you don't have many words to express yourself but we'll work on saying 'mad'. It's okay to tell us that you feel mad and need help calming down." 

Bucky felt bad for yelling at her that he hated her. He didn't. She was a nice therapist. He was just tired of not making any progress and he didn't have the words to express that. "'Owwy, Een," he said, penitent. 

She smiled. "Thank you. Now let's try something new." She unwrapped a tongue depressor that was green. "This will taste like apples. I want you to put it in your mouth and do your best to close your lips around it."

Steve helped him bring it to his mouth and he forced his lips closed around it. Ooooh! It did taste like apples! He sucked on it. 

Arlene chuckled. "Very good. Now without dropping it, try to make a mmm sound." She demonstrated. 

"Mmm." Bucky almost fell off Steve's lap with excitement at having done it first try!! "Mmmmm."

Arlene clapped her hands. "Very good. One point for you!" 

Bucky grinned, dropping the stick and the ball but Steve's quick reflex saved the stick from hitting the floor. 

Arlene put the ball in his hand again. "Toss the ball in." 

With Steve's help, he did it.   
Arlene pretended to mess up the mmm sound. Bucky giggled. "Na da -!"

Arlene laughed. "That's right. I didn't do it right so I don't get a point. Now you try again."

Steve put the stick back on his tongue. 

Bucky made the sound, smiling because the vibration made his lips tickle. "I da i-!"

Arlene nodded. "Very good. Throw the ball in." 

Bucky tossed the ball again with Steve's help. 

Arlene caught it as it fell through the hoop. "Now we'll try 'T'." 

Steve held the tongue depressor while Bucky watched her. T was harder than D because it required your tongue to push harder on the roof of your mouth. 

Bucky did his best. It still came out 'd'. He scowled. 

"Close," Arlene encouraged. "Try to open your mouth really big. Steve, just gently press on his tongue with the depressor. I want you to push against the stick with your tongue."

This was a mistake. As soon as Steve did it, Bucky gagged and threw up the water he'd had earlier. 

Steve quickly wiped up with the towel on Bucky's chair. Bucky wasn't wearing a bib today so now his shirt was a mess. 

Bucky started to cry again. 

"You're okay," Steve soothed. 

Arlene gave him time to calm down. "His gag reflex is very sensitive. We won't do that again." 

He shook his head when she asked if he could try again without the stick. 

"Let's try one more sound and then we're done for today."She got a small mirror and held it up so Bucky could see himself."Puh." 

Bucky brought his lips together but the 'p' was harder. It came out as "bah."

Arlene showed him in the mirror how he could puff air out with the p and make a small circle of condensation on the mirror. 

Bucky tried several times without success. He was starting to feel upset again. "Na!" 

"Are you feeling mad?" Arlene asked. 

Bucky tapped his fingers on Steve's arm. 

"Yes. Good words, Bucky. We are done for today." She handed Steve a whole handful of wrapped tongue depressors. "Can you help him practice the 'm'? And I'll think about some strategies for the rest."

Steve nodded. 

Once she was gone, Steve started to put Bucky back in his wheelchair but Bucky tapped his arm with his closed hand. 

"What do you need?" Steve asked.

Bucky struggled to make the sound. "Diada." 

Steve grinned. "Great talking! You need a change?" 

Bucky tapped his fingers. He was talked out. 

When Steve had changed him, Bucky motioned to the floor. He was tired of sitting. 

Steve lay him on the floor carefully and flopped onto the couch. "You wanna watch something?" 

Again, Bucky tapped his fingers on the foam mat. 

Steve turned on a talk show and sat back. "This show has a TBI survivor on today."

Bucky looked at the TV with interest. He knew, vaguely, that he wasn't the only TBI survivor ever but in the last four months he'd hardly left the tower and it was easy to forget he wasn't alone in his struggles. 

He also thought Steve looked tired. Maybe looking after him was too much work.He wished he had the words to ask. He should work harder at getting better instead of relying on Steve so much. 

He turned back to the tv, rolling onto his stomach and putting his head down.He was intrigued when the host brought out a man that walked a little strangely and used a caneand he talked slowly. 

"Malcolm Becker survived and mostly recovered from Traumatic Brain Injury," the host said. "Malcolm, tell us what happened to you." 

"I... w-was in a c-c-c....." He took a deep breath. "Car acc-c-ident." 

Bucky could see how hard it was for Malcolm to talk. Hmm. 

He tuned out the conversation for a bit, watching Malcolm's actions. His right hand didn't work as well as his left; and he limped and used a cane because his leg wouldn't always bend properly. But he was walking. His words were slow and a little slurred. 

Bucky wondered if at one point Malcolm had been just like him. His question was answered almost immediately. They showed pictures on the screen of Malcolm in a neck brace with tubes breathing for him and constantly monitoring him. 

He had so many questions. Maybe Joe or Mandy could answer them. When had this happened to Malcolm? He tuned back in. 

The host was telling his audience that it had been one year since Malcolm almost died in the accident. 

"One y-year, two m-m-month and five d-days," Malcolm clarified.

Bucky could relate so hard. Gosh he wished he could talk to Malcolm. 

His eyes settled on Steve who was snoring softly on the couch. He'd have to ask Steve when he woke up. 

Bucky focused back on Malcolm. He was talking about how frustrating it was to try so hard and feel like nothing was happening. 

Bucky could relate again!!! 

Malcolm smiled. "D-don't g-g-give up. It- I- it- It'll get better."

Bucky rolled into his back when a different guest came on and considered Malcolm's words for some time. 

Maybe it was time to pull up his boot straps and try harder. He wasn't alone. That realization hit him. He wasn't! He had Steve. He had good therapists. He had a stubborn streak a mile wide. He could do this. He grinned to himself as he also drifted off for another catnap. He could do this.


	6. Chapter 6

Bucky was starting to do things for himself. He was lifting his cup to get a drink. He was starting to lift his spoon at times and getting some of the food in his mouth, and he was even wiping his own face.  
Steve had to help some but he was still happy with the progress. His fears still hung around but he dealt with it. He wanted Bucky to get better. He really did. 

Along with his progress however, Bucky was also displaying aggressive behaviour.He learned the phrase "I do," and used it all the time.Steve tried to ignore any hurt feelings. Bucky's frustrations couldn't be voiced. He had to vent somehow. 

Steve tried to lift his cup for him at breakfast, Bucky screamed. "No! I do!!"

Steve sighed and put it back on the tray. 

Bucky didn't have the coordination to hit hard but he smacked Steve in the shoulder anyway. "I do!" Couldn't Steve see that he was getting better? He wasn't a baby!! He could do things now. He could drink his own milk, he could feed himself (kind of), he could lift his arm to get dressed. He'd been watching every video he could find on TBI survivors. He was obsessed with seeing people walk and talk again. He wanted to get better!! 

Steve had to help him with everything. Like changing his diapers, making his food, giving him baths.

Even things he was sure he could do like fastening his belt in his wheelchair; Steve insisted on helping! He wanted to clip it in and got so angry when Steve insisted on doing it. "DEE! I DO!!"

"You're having OT after breakfast, remember?" Steve reminded, lifting a spoon of oatmeal to Bucky's mouth.   
Bucky tapped on his tray. He remembered. He liked Mandy enough that he would try. Problem was everyone treated him like he couldn't do anything.   


While Steve changed his diaper, Bucky thought about how much he wanted to be better. He wanted to have a real conversation with Steve. Instead he got mad when his arm got stuck in his T-shirt and smacked Steve in the face for it.   


Steve didn't yell at him but Bucky could tell he hurt Steve's feelings. Not being able to express his feelings sucked! Steve put him in his wheelchair and buckled him in. 

Steve talked to Mandy about it before Bucky's appointment.  
She told him aggression was common in TBI survivors and it was also good if Bucky was starting to show a desire to be independent. 

"He's started hitting though," Steve said. "I don't know what to do."

Mandy pondered that for a few moments. "You have to be consistent in stopping the behaviour. He's got to realize that getting frustrated and hitting can't go together."

Steve nodded wondering how he was supposed to enforce that. 

She saw it firsthand a few minutes later. She put Bucky's ball for fine motor therapy in his hand. He purposely dropped it with a frown and growled. "I do!" 

She nodded then held it up so he could take it on his own. He smacked it out of her hand, straining against the five point harness. "I do!!" He tried to hit her.

"Bucky!" Steve gasped. 

Steve was happy to see Bucky trying to be independent but hitting women?? That was not good! Now Bucky couldn't possibly reach the ball either. It was on the floor. 

Mandy shook her head. "No. No hitting."

Bucky pouted, his eyes filling with tears."I do."

Mandy motioned to the ball on the floor. "You can't reach it there."

Bucky stared at the ball, his mind trying to get to a solution. 

Steve knew a second before it happenedthat it was going to end in another tantrum. 

He threw his head back against the headrest and burst into noisy cries. 

Mandy waited for him to calm down and held the ball towards him. 

Bucky picked it up with effort, tongue poking out of his mouth. He drooled a bit and Steve wiped his face. The drooling had gotten a lot better. 

While Bucky held the ball, Mandy tapped a bowl. "Throw it in here."

He tossed it but missed. When she went to pick it up he kicked again. "I do!!" 

Mandy sighed softly. "Bucky, I'm going to put the ball away if you can't play nice." 

He frowned and hit at her a second time. She drew back and grabbed his wrist. "No hitting." 

Steve was mortified. He had removed the wheelchair tray so that Bucky had more mobility with reaching and throwing. But this was ridiculous. 

Bucky screamed again. 

Mandy put the ball away. "Next time." She dug in her bag for another item. "Let's work on your grasp." She snapped the tray in place and put some chunky animals on the tray. A mat with several different pictures followed. There was hay, grass, a puddle and a barn. "I'd like you to pick one up."

Bucky strained to steady his hand enough to pick up the cow. "Ca." He held it up triumphantly. 

Mandy nodded. "Stand the cow in the hay."

Bucky perused the mat. Steve wiped his chin again. 

Bucky turned away, annoyed. "No!"

He set the cow on the hay. 

Mandy and Steve both clapped. "Where does the duck go?" Mandy asked. 

Bucky pointed at the puddle. 

Mandy nodded. "Put the duck in the pond."

Bucky was calm now and listened to her.   


Steve wished he knew more about how Bucky felt. 

Despite his aggression and temperamental outbursts, Mandy was pleased with his progress. "He worked hard today.Keep working on the fine motor skills. You're doing great!"

That afternoon, Arlene was also pleasantly surprised.His speech was getting clearer all the time. Steve had been using the tongue depressors daily and it showed. He could make many different sounds now. They had worked a lot on bringing his lips together to make sounds. 

"Ayeen!" Bucky said excitedly. "I do!" His eyes were shining with glee. He pressed his lips together. "Mmm. Tee?" He grinned at his progress. 

She laughed. "That's great Bucky! Good job!" 

They went over his sounds again. Bucky was eager to do it. "Mm, Nn, Aww, Bb, Puh, Sss."

Bucky no longer needed the tongue sticks to push against. He'd learned to control his tongue more. Bucky was even able to swallow instead of drooling when he made a conscious effort. Steve reminded him often. 

Arlene tried to get his attention. "Bucky."

His mind was elsewhere. He was staring off into space.  
Steve noticed the dissociation was worse in the afternoon. He wondered why but didn't think the speech therapist would know. 

Steve wiped the drool beading on his chin. "Buck. Swallow." 

Steve's voice registered and Bucky looked at Steve. He swallowed and then looked at Arlene.  


"Let's get to work. Today we're working on saying Steve." 

Bucky watched her mouth. "Dee."

Arlene pressed out exaggerated sounds a couple times. "Like this. STTeVVe." 

Bucky thought about that."Deeb."

"Close," she encouraged. "Steve."

Bucky tried again. "Dee."

Arlene pointed at her tongue. "Ssssteve."

"Ssss.....Teeb." Bucky frowned. "I do?" 

"Almost," she encouraged. "Use the SSS sound." 

Bucky pouted, tired of that game. "No!"

Arlene took a moment then said, "Let's go onto something else." She was trying to keep away from upsetting him. Steve had mentioned the aggression to her as well. 

She brought out a new puzzle.

It was a wooden one where Bucky had to put the eight pieces in the right holes. He had conquered the four piece one with help. 

He grasped the first piece. "Dee." He paused and tried again. "Teeb." He grinned proudly. "Dod." He showed Steve the dog. "Wuff!" 

Steve chuckled. "Cute dog." 

Bucky looked at the holes then slid the piece to the correct hole but it wouldn't go in. He tried again then aggressively slammed it down. 

Arlene took his wrist. "Please don't break my puzzle." 

He fought her hold and she let go. 

She took the puzzle board away. "Calm down."

Bucky screamed and threw the piece he was holding. 

Steve rolled his eyes. "This is frustrating! I don't know what to do!"

Bucky slapped the air in Steve's direction. He was frustrated?? Yeah well, so was Bucky and no one was helping  him!! Suck it up  _Steve_ !! Bucky screamed again not sure how to vent his feelings. He breathed erratically for a few minutes. "Doo," he begged.  
  
Steve gave him his cup of juice. He pulled in a deep breath and brought the spout to his mouth, trying to calm himself. A drink did help. 

Arlene put the puzzle back on his tray, turning it a bitfor him so the piece could fit. He grinned at his success and picked up a pig. That one was easy. He did the next one as well. Look STEVE! He _could_ do stuff!! Arlene tried to help and he frowned. He could do this. 

Arlene tried to straighten a piece he was holding so he threw it at her. "I DO!!!"

Arlene arched an eyebrow at him. He pouted then looked petulantly at her. "I do." 

"Alright,"she agreed. "Next time you just tell me. You don't have to get angry."

Bucky grunted in disagreement. 

Steve wasn't sure why Bucky was so aggressive. After Arlene left, he turned to the one person he felt safe asking. 

Sam nodded to his question. "A lot of TBI patients experience aggression. He can't handle all the emotions and stuff coming at him. He can't really control anything yet but he really wants to, so he gets mad."

Steve sighed. "He's becoming a handful. He tried to hit his therapists."

Sam's voice was warm and encouraging. "It will get better. This is just a phase."

Steve hoped Sam was right. 

The aggression, however, came to a head on Friday during physio. 

Bucky was determined to sit up on his own and when he couldn't he got mad. He tried to push himself up but it was really hard with just one arm. Why were they helping him?? 

Joe waited out the third tantrum in twenty minutes then got the gait harness. "I'll help you sit up."

Joe sat him up with the belt on and Steve on the other side. "Look at you!" Steve grinned.   
Bucky rolled his eyes. Whoop Dee frickin do! He was sitting on the floor between two guys. Bucky pouted. "Taia." He wanted to sit up on a "real" chair. He'd done it a hundred times in his daydreams. It wasn't that hard! He was adamant that he could do it.

"If I put you on a chair you have to behave," Joe said. "You gotta listen to me."

Bucky tapped his arm for yes. He was excited to sit on a kitchen chair again. They were barstool height and he felt like king of the world! Except that Joe and Steve were still holding onto him. 

He slapped at Steve. "No. I do!"

Steve stepped away. "Okay." 

Bucky's desire for independence was getting in the way of actually learning. Steve hovered just out of Bucky's reach. He definitely didn't want him to fall! 

Joe gave Bucky a look. "Don't hit." He tightened his grip on the harness so that Bucky wouldn't tip over because now he was awkwardly one sided. 

"I do!" Bucky insisted. Hetried to push Joe away as well. "I do!" He listed to his left a bit. 

Joe didn't let go. "Bucky you're going to fall if I let go."

Bucky spiralled into a screaming fit, pushing at Joe. 

"I do!!!" He was jerking at the tight grip. 

Joe kept a firm grip on Bucky's harness. "Bucky. Calm down. I don't want you to fall." 

Steve wondered how he managed to stay so calm. He wanted to help but he thought stepping forward might escalate the tantrum. "Bucky calm down," he pleaded. 

Bucky was so sick and tired of having to do what everyone else wanted. Calm down calm down stop yelling; he was DONE! He could do this alone! Why couldn't Joe see that?? He jerked sideways and overbalanced then started to fall. Too late he realized this wasn't good. 

Joe's grip slipped and Steve also lunged forward. They both grabbed for the harness but Buckywas too far over. He smashed his face against the table on his way down then fell heavily onto the floor. 

There was a moment of silence. Steve cringed. "Oh oh."

Bucky's screams turned to wailing as blood started to pour down his face. "Dee!!!" 

Joe got him up and strapped him back into his wheelchair.He sighed heavily. 

Steve got a cold cloth for Bucky's face. "Shhh bud. It'll be okay."

Bucky didn't think it would ever be okay again! He was aching and hurting and scared! What had happened?? 

When Steve finally had the blood flow stopped, he and Joe gently inspected the large bruise on his cheek and his split lip, swollen already.Fortunately he hadn't fallen on his arm but he had a nice bruise forming on his ribs on the left. 

Bucky's tears were still coming but he was hiccuping softer now. "D-Doe! I f-f-faww." 

"You did." Joe sighed."You got away from me I asked you to listen and you didn't. So you know why it happened?"

Bucky started to cry again."I f-faww!!!" 

Joe nodded and let Bucky calm down. "We're going to stop here today. I want you to think about this. If you don't listen, I can't help you."

Bucky immediately started to cry again. "Doe na nite!" 

Steve frowned. "Bucky that isn't nice either."

Joe shrugged. "I'll see you guys next week."

When Joe had gone, Bucky held his hand out to Steve. "Hoe."

"You want me to hold you?" Steve asked.

Bucky tapped the tray several times looking at Steve with big eyes. 

Steve could see he was scared. "It's okay, buddy." 

Bucky snuggled into Steve's arms still sniffling. "Teeb.Nite." He patted Steve's arm.

"Thank you, Buck. You're mostly nice too." Steve chuckled at the pout. "You gotta give yourself time.It's not gonna come all at once."

Bucky KNEW that but it didn't ease the impatience. He shuddered at the memory of his bad fall again. He didn't like falling, that's for sure!He thought maybe he was pushing too hard. His body obviously wasn't ready. He wanted to give up. 

Steve dished up his dinner and put it on his tray, giving him a spoon. 

Bucky looked at it warily. Maybe he couldn't do this either. He was pretty sure he couldn't. He looked up at Steve. "Teeb do." 

Steve looked at him, worried. "You want me to feed you?" 

Bucky tapped his fingers. 

With curious trepidation, Steve set his own plate down and got Bucky's spoon.Might be easier anyway with his bruises anyway. "Yummy potatoes."

Bucky opened his mouth obediently and swallowed. Yes. Much better. Food didn't fall everywhere. He pointed at the cup.  
Steve gave it to him but he pushed it away. "Teeb do."  
Steve had promised to look after Bucky.Till the end of the line. Now, he was okay with that.


	7. Chapter 7

Bucky had it firmly in his head after his fall, that he was still very broken. He couldn't sit up alone and when he'd tried, he had fallen and hurt his face and his ribs. 

His anxiety about it was huge. He needed Steve to do things for him again. He wanted to start over. Maybe if he started at the beginning he could do it right. Without the drooling though. He hated drooling. It still happened a little bit here and there. Steve wiped his chin when he did so that felt nice. 

Steve didn't really think it was a good idea but Bucky did. Steve spent a couple days encouraging Bucky to do things like hold his cup or feed himself. He soon found that crying was an excellent way to get Steve's cooperation. At least for a few days. All he had to do was get teary and Steve gave in. 

Steve was wondering what Bucky was thinking to suddenly want help with everything. True; he still needed the help but Steve was quickly remembering what burnout felt like. At the beginning, Bucky hadn't had words or the mental capacity to complain. He had been docile. Now.....? The helping escalated quickly into Steve pretty much being bound to Bucky's side. He could hardly walk away without being called back. It was exhausting. 

Bucky had a lot of anxiety even though Steve always made sure he was safe. Even the five point harness seemed too small. He was so sure he'd fall whenever Steve left his side. 

Steve was thinking he had to stop the behaviour but how?? He wasn't a doctor or a therapist. He was one guy who couldn't keep up with anything these days. That's where it was at, ten days after the fall. He was crying in the bathroom when he heard Bucky again. He hiccuped through a sob. Gosh he was just so tired. 

"Teeb! Mi'k!" Bucky hollered from the living room. 

Steve sighed deeply. He dried his tears and had a pee so that he wouldn't have to leave Bucky anytime soon. He was really glad that Sam was coming over.He needed advice! 

Bucky pounded on his tray. "TEEB!!" Where was Steve!? Okay,he KNEW where he was but if Bucky couldn't use the bathroom, neither should Steve. He paused a moment to think that through. Yeah! Steve should wear diapers like Bucky. 

Why did Steve leave him in the living room?! He should've taken Bucky into the bathroom too!! The anxiety caused dizziness And then more anxiety tore through him when vertigo made his head spin and his eyes feel weird. 

He'd had another MRI done yesterday and they said compared to his first one there was a lot of healing happening. He didn't feel it. All he felt was this overwhelming fear of Steve walking away when he needed him. 

Steve came back and gave Bucky his milk. 

Bucky pushed the cup at him. "Teeb do." 

"You can drink on your own," Steve hedged. He was feeling exhausted which made his words a bit curt. He was trying to be patient. It wasn't easy! He needed to know why Bucky was acting this way. 

Arlene figured it had something to do with his fall and that perhaps he should have counselling. 

Steve snorted in vague contempt. He didn't know what good that would do as Bucky couldn't really talk a lot. 

Bucky wailed. "Teeb do!!" He grabbed Steve's hand. 

Steve breathed out his impatience and held the cup for him. 

"Sam is coming over," he said once Bucky had finished his milk. 

Bucky frowned. "No."

Steve shrugged. "This is my apartment.You don't get a say today.Besides, after your milk it's naptime."

"No!" Bucky argued. He wasn't tired! Why did Steve insist on making him nap! He was a GROWN up!! 

Steve ignored him and made a pot of coffee. Bucky needed a nap. 

The invalid squirmed in his chair headed towards another meltdown. Steve probably wanted Bucky to have a nap so he could tell Sam how awful he was! Bucky was NOT okay with that! 

He wanted so badly to tell Steve all the thoughts hammering around in his head....but he couldn't. Story of his life right now!!! 

He felt frustrated and threw his cup on the floor. "Teeb!! No Tam!" Tears ran down his face. He wished Steve could understand what he was trying to tell him. He wished  he understood what he was feeling. Things felt totally out of control. He screamed for Steve. 

Steve came to his wheelchair. "Okay. Nap time."

Bucky cried through his diaper change, with no clear reason why, and continued crying after he was tucked in. "Teeb?" He called but Steve ignored him.Bucky hit the steel rails with his fist a few times and then gave up. Maybe he was tired. 

Steve waited for a few minutes, hearing Bucky venting his frustrations and then it was quiet. He went and peeked in several minutes later and saw Bucky had fallen asleep after all. 

With a deep sigh of relief he went back to the kitchen just as Sam knocked. 

Steve let him in and beckoned to the couch. He poured two cups of coffee and sat down. "Sam, I need advice." 

Sam raised an eyebrow. "What's happening?" 

Steve couldn't stop the sudden landslide of emotion that tumbled out. "It's been over a week, almost two weeks,since his fall, but he still won't do stuff. Not only that, he's become very anxious and it's making him really demanding." 

Sam listened carefully and then sighed. "Steve, I don't know, man. Maybe.....maybe he needs to go to rehab. Like stay there. Just for a couple months."

Steve felt an odd sort of panic bolt through his stomach and chest. "I- I don't think so Sam. I don't think I can." 

Sam didn't say anything for several minutes. He knew how protective Steve was of caring for Bucky. It wasn't healthy but Steve wasn't in a place mentally to deal with that right now. 

The codependency went both ways andit wasn't going to be that easy to break. He nodded. "The only other thing is to get on board with therapy and make him do the stuff he can."

Steve looked at him, his blue eyes full of tears. "I was hoping maybe you could help. You're so strong."

"I can help," Sam agreed, "But until YOU make it clear you've had enough, he's still gonna do it." 

Steve leaned forward, resting his chin in his hand despondently. "I know." 

/////

Bucky had been awake for about half an hour listening to the low rumble of voices. Right. Sam was here. 

Sam smiled when Steve wheeled him out. "Hey Bucky."

Bucky nodded. "Hi Tam." He looked at Steve. "Teeb. Duit." 

Steve nodded. "You want juice?"

Bucky paused. Steve hadn't asked him to make any kind of effort for over a week. He didn't want to make decisions. Why was he doing it now?? He scowled at Steve and tapped one finger. Fine. 

But Steve just stood there. "Where's your polite words?" 

Bucky was taken aback. Steve! Broken people couldn't talk or walk or anything. He let some drool run out of his mouth. 

Sam looked at Steve. "Stay firm."

Aha! It was Sam's fault that Steve wasn't getting his juice! Didn't he realize Bucky was still  broken ?? If he tried to do stuff he felt sick in his stomach like he was really scared. The dizziness started up again as soon as the anxiety became overwhelming and he whimpered then slapped his tray. "Duit!"

Steve waited. "Use your nice words."

Bucky pulled in a shaky sigh. "Teeb. Duit  pee '."

"Good words!" Steve grinned and a moment later he placed a cup on Bucky's tray. 

Bucky wasn't impressed. He was fine with Steve doing stuff for him. He didn't want to get better anymore. It was scary! 

He opened his mouth waiting for Steve to hold his cup. 

"You can do it," Steve said. 

Bucky's eyes filled with tears again. What stupid stuff had Sam been telling Steve now?? He  needed help!  He was BROKEN! "Teeb do," he begged, giving Steve his big eyes. That usually worked.

Steve _ignored him!_! and sat on the couch leaving the cup on the tray.Bucky had to stop and think about that.What was Steve doing? With a scowl, he picked up the cup and brought it to his mouth, swiping impatiently at the drool on his chin. 

Sam and Steve talked but Bucky couldn't follow the whole conversation. He got bored. "Teeb. Diada."

Steve changed him and then put him on the floor. 

Bucky didn't want that! His head was spinning and his heart felt like it was going to fly out of his chest. He cried fearfully. He wanted up, NOW! He felt so unsafe! 

Steve and Sam put him back in his chair. Steve was giving Sam a silent look that Bucky was too wound up to interpret. 

At dinner, Steve put a spoon on his tray even though Bucky immediately threw it on the floor. "Teeb do!!" He begged. 

"You can do it," Steve said giving his spoon back. 

Bucky was exhausted from the constant emotional roller coaster of the afternoon. He was tired of screaming at Steve so he resorted to begging. He just wanted help. 

Bucky cried for about ten minutes and finally refused to eat at all, tipping his bowl onto the floor. 

Steve looked wide eyed at Sam. "He's obviously in distress! Can I feed him?!"

"No." Sam said calmly. "He can do it. He's trying to guilt you into it." He got Bucky a fresh bowl of food and put it on his tray. "Adults don't throw their food on the floor, Bucky."

Bucky looked at Sam with wide eyes. He was guilting Steve? What the hell Sam? He had it all wrong. This had been an awful, horrible day! He broke into soft sobs. "Teeb," he begged, his eyes awash with sadness. "Teeb do pee'?" Maybe using his polite words would make things better. 

At that point Steve broke down and cried too. 

This made Bucky stop crying immediately and look at him. Why was Steve crying?? "Teeb. Teeb!" Steve didn't answer. Just sobbed. Bucky was feeling a horrific panic. There was something wrong with Steve! "Teeb tad?" He looked at Sam for an explanation. He was trying to wrap his brain around what was happening. 

Sam nodded. "Yes Bucky. Steve is sad. He's sad because he wants to help you. But you are making him work really hard."

Bucky mulled that over for awhile. His brain couldn't comprehend everything. Yes, he knew Steve worked hard. But....he could. Steve could walk and talk and go to the bathroom. He could do everything Bucky couldn't do. Didn't that mean Steve should be able to take care of Bucky? That he should WANT to?

Sam got his attention again."Bucky, you fell. I know you're scared. But you can't stop trying."

Bucky watched Steve continue to sob in concern. What did Sam mean? He pondered the statement for some time then it clicked. Steve was....sad....that Bucky wanted him to do stuff for him that he was capable of? Was Steve tired of Bucky? 🥺

A new feeling gutted him. Guilt. Oohhhh! **Guilt**!! Steve had felt like this? Oh. It wasn't a nice feeling at all!! 

Bucky's lower lip quivered as things became clear for the first time. He vowed right then that he would stop making Steve work so hard if it was making him sad. "Teeb, tad." He said biting at his lip. He didn't like it when Steve was sad. "Towwy Teeb." He looked at his best friend, his buddy of forever. 

Steve wiped his eyes and looked at Bucky. "Thanks Buck, I'll be okay."

Bucky took a deep breath. "Teeb he'p m-me? I do 'gain."

"I'll always help you with stuff you can't do," Steve promised. 

Bucky gave him a huge grin. Okay good. Steve was smiling again. 

//////

Bucky worked hard after that. When Joe came, instead of fighting him, Bucky tried to do everything he asked. 

Arlene was surprised when he started requesting longer appointments than half an hour. 

As he pushed himself things started to come back. Between the three therapists, Bucky put his stubborn will to work. 

It paid off. 

Only a few weeks after his fall Joe showed him that he was able to sit up on his own on the floor. There were pillows around him but Joe and Steve both let go of the gait harness and he DIDN'T fall over!!! Finally! Bucky felt hesitant excitement and some anxiety but after a few days he didn't even need help getting to sitting up. It would be easier with two arms but he was getting there. It felt so good to sit on a chair or the couch rather than always in his wheelchair. 

Bucky started talking more and he could print 'Bucky' now, even though it was big and uneven letters. 

Bucky wished he could crawl. One armed crawling wasn't possible with his balance issues. 

It was another couple of weeks when Bucky got to stand on his own feet again. 

Joe had been edging him towards standing for several appointments but Bucky had a panic attack each time. 

Tony came to watch at Steve's urging and he immediatelypaid for an Active Mobility Gait Harness system for Bucky. 

The thing had come a few days ago and Steve had set it up. 

To Bucky it looked like an oversized fucking jolly jumper for babies but he kept his thoughts to himself.It had a frame with wheels so he could move around. 

When Joe came next, he and Steve helped Bucky put the belt on. It supported his full lower back and there was a groin strap as well. 

It was actually comfortable and gave Bucky the sense of security that he'd been missing.He was eager to stand up now! 

They got him up and Joe hooked the belt to the frame. 

Bucky held onto Steve with a death grip, but as he relaxed a little, he realized the vertigo was gone, his knees buckled but he didn't fall and the harness helped him keep his balance. Bucky felt it out for several minutes, relaxing and letting the harness hold his weight.When he felt ready, he pushed himself up, clumsily putting one foot forward and lost his balance again. He rested against the harness for a moment, trying to figure out what he was doing wrong. He pushed back to his feet. He was going to do this! 

Walking didn't come naturally as Bucky had hoped it would but slowly and with plenty of temper tantrums, Bucky learned to move again under his own steam. His whole mood improved. He preferred the harness. He could relax when he was tired and move when he wanted to. 

Mandy got him to throw a ball back and forth but again catching with only one arm was so hard! 

Steve watched with a proud grin."Bud, look at you!" He clapped happily. 

Bucky shot Steve a big smile. "Teve! Catsing!"

"You are!" Steve agreed. He wrote an email to Shuri while Bucky was distracted.He wondered if maybe Bucky was ready now??

A couple days later, Steve was making lunch when Bucky made his way into the kitchen. With intense concentration, he put one foot in front of the other,and slowly walked to Steve. "Teve! Hi!" He giggled. 

Steve put his arms gently around Bucky. "Hi, honey!" 

Bucky knew his words were becoming clearer too. It was like something had finally shifted in his brain and he was able to grasp things better.He looked at the six framed photographs on the table. Every couple of weeks Steve took another picture. He could see now that he'd been making progress all along. 

Bucky knew one day soon he could be like the guy from the talk show.Walking without a harness, talking more, able to write his own words. He looked at his left shoulder. He remembered his prosthetic. He didn't say anything to Steve but he truly missed not having two arms. 

////

Shuri read her latest email from Captain Rogers with glee. It was time! 

When she and her two trusted assistants showed up at the tower, Steve was thrilled. He knew what that meant. The sleek black case in her hand held Bucky's new prosthetic! 

Bucky greeted Shuri as politely as he could. He knew she was a princess. He vaguely remembered her. 

Shuri checked him over, eyes gleaming with pride. "Sergeant Barnes," she said with her peculiar flat accent. "I have something for you." She opened the case and revealed a black vibranium prosthetic with gold inlay around the plates. 

Bucky smiled and tried not to cry. He held very still in the harness and let her do her work. 

He started losing patience after forty five minutes so Steve fed him some peaches to keep him distracted. 

Finally the arm was connected. 

Shuri told him to lift it. 

He squealed excitedly when his arm obeyed. "Seve!! Seve! You see?"

"I do see, Buck!!" Steve laughed, so happy that Bucky was at this point. It had been a long time coming. Ten months of very hard work. 

Bucky grinned at Shuri. "Tanks."

"You're very welcome," the young princess smiled. "I'm only a phone call away if you have any problems."

Bucky watched her go and then did what he'd been wanting to do for awhile. He walked to Steve, got his standing balance and then pulled Steve into a two armed hug. 

He lost his balance when Steve hugged back but it didn't matter, Steve had him firmly in his arms. "My Bucky," Steve said softly. "You're amazing."

Bucky blushed a bit. It was really Steve who was amazing. And he was forever grateful for a friend like Steve. 


	8. Chapter 8

Bucky was making great progress now.Within two months of having the harness, he was taking his first tentative steps on his own when Joe came for his next physio appointment. 

Steve and Joe hovered nearby in case he started to tip but it went well. He was slow and he had to constantly push down panic but he did it. 

Bucky fell into Steve's arms with a happy grunt.Tears were coming even though he was ecstatic. It didn't really matter though because Steve was crying too. "Bucky," he whispered, "I'm so so proud of you." He gave him a kiss on the cheek.   
  
Bucky felt tentative hope blossom in his gut. He WAS getting better!

Bucky spent his entire physio appointment walking between Joe and Steve, and they kept moving to give him the challenge of changing direction without falling.

By dinnertime, Bucky was exhausted.He put his head on his folded arms, yawning sleepily. "Seve, I an seepy." 

"I know," Steve said, putting a bowl of spaghetti and sauce in front of him. "Sit up."

Bucky sat up straight and scowled at the bib Steve was holding. "I do' need bib."

"For spaghetti you do," Steve said firmly. "Last time you made a pretty big mess."

Bucky hmphed in disagreement but allowed Steve to fasten it around his neck. The sippy cup had been replaced with a to go coffee cup so it didn't spill as easy. At least it looked adult even if he only had milk or juice in it. He lifted it and took a long drink of milk.

Steve had cut his spaghetti but it was still messy. The spoon didn't always make it to his mouth before the food slipped off and trying to get the spoon into his mouth was also a huge struggle. His left hand was steadier which helped but it didn't help with his hand eye coordination. He hit his chin and tried to catch the food awkwardly in his mouth. He silently grimaced as it spilled down his chin and onto his bib. 

Mandy had been working him really hard on the hand eye thing but she had concluded that it might not ever get all better. 

Bucky had cried after that appointment. He didn't know how he could live without regaining that. As a sniper his hand eye coordination was key! He felt so useless.  


Steve had soothed him. "It's okay Buck, we'll adapt." 

Bucky had almost had it with adapting but what else could he do?? Apparently "adapting" meant wearing bibs to eat. Adapting meant using a spoon so he wouldn't accidentally poke his eye out or stab himself. Adapting meant somehow accepting that he would be useless forever. 

Once dinner was done, Steve handed him a wet cloth. "Wipe your face and then you can have a bath."

Bucky washed his face and hands slowly while Steve cleaned up the mess he'd left. He loved spaghetti but it was definitely messy. 

Bath time was always soothing. Bucky let himself relax. "Seve?" He still struggled to put two letters together like 'st' 'th' or 'br' but he was at least able to communicate more.  


Arlene worked at it every time with him. To Bucky, it felt like his speech recovery had slowed down. It was depressing. However he could almost say Steve's name now anyway! 

"Yeah bud?" Steve washed him gently. 

Bucky carefully thought out his words. He noticed when he tried not to rush it was easier to talk. "I I -I wan' learn to go t-t toilet, again. I can?"

Steve nodded. "Yeah of course Buck! I'm not sure you're ready though." 

Bucky sighed. He wasn't sure either. But it might be time. He could usually tell now when he had to move his bowels. He'd wanted to tell Steve today but it happened too fast. "I try it?" He asked. He was momentarily distracted by a giddy jolt. His 'tr' had worked!! The giddy excitement was replaced with an apprehensive anticipation. He was ready to get out of diapers. He was able to walk and now he wanted to get this goal met. 

Steve got him up and wrapped in a towel. "We'll give it a try once we talk to Joe or Mandy."

Bucky was okay with that. 

Steve diapered him and tucked him in. "Pretty soon you'll be able to sleep with me!" He grinned as he snapped the rails into place. "Once you're steadier on your feet." 

Bucky grinned back at him wiggling with excitement again. "Maybe 'morrow?"

"How about one more week?" Steve asked then gave him a soft kiss on the forehead. "Have a good sleep."

It was over a week before Bucky revisited the idea of toilet training. He'd taken another tumble when Steve had his back turned a few days after their discussion and it had set him back some. Good thing it hadn't been too bad. A few bruises and he sprained his wrist. Stupid feet that tripped on nothing! He was back in his harness for a few days, too scared to move on his own and that had kiboshed the toileting. 

Bucky didn't mind the harness. It was bulky though. After walking around on his own it felt like such a setback. He cried for several hours on and off when Steve wasn't in the room. Steve saw though. 

"You okay Buck?" He asked in concern.  
Bucky shrugged. "Jus' ti'ed. Not walkin'. I faww and I s-sared."

Steve nodded in sympathy and understanding then promised it would get better again.

It did after a couple weeks.  
  
Steve had taken Arlene's advice.   


Bucky now had another therapist! Renee was a counsellor and Bucky saw her once a week. She sat in the living room with him and they talked about his first fall and his subsequent fall and why they had happened. She described his fall to get him to recognize his mistake. 

Bucky ended up having a panic attack.He couldn't talk about that first fall yet. That had been so scary! He still had to fight anxiety over it. 

That Friday, when Joe came, he set right in to talking to Bucky about his fall as well.

Bucky swore the therapists all got together to share what he couldn't talk about!

  
Despite Bucky's anxiety, Joe produced the small gait harness and with Steve on one side and Joe on the other, holding him tight, Bucky walked around the living room.He had a panic attack when Steve let go for two seconds to wipe his chin because he totally forgot to swallow.His metal hand tore a hole in Steve's shirt from his grip. He couldn't stop the shaking and subsequent tears. The anxiety was so bad, Bucky also messed his diaper and they gave up walking for a bit.

Steve took him to bedroom and got a clean diaper. "I'm sorry you got scared."

Bucky nodded, hiccuping through his tears. "I good." 

While Steve cleaned him, Bucky let his mind wander. He wished he didn't have to be changed anymore. He really wanted to learn using the toilet again. However, thoughts of involving Joe were kinda weird scary and humiliating. 

When they got back, Joe beckoned him onto the mat for exercises. To Bucky's dismay, Steve brought up the toilet training immediately. 

Joe was helping Bucky stretch his muscles. He pushed his leg towards his chest. "It's probably better to start that with Mandy. That's more her area of expertise." 

Steve nodded and dropped the subject. Bucky was relieved. He wanted to use the toilet again but he wished he could learn without help. It was very embarrassing. 

Bucky was kept busy the rest of the appointment, with relearning balance and proper posture when standing without his harness. 

After Joe left, Bucky sank onto the couch and closed his eyes. Everything felt overwhelming. Bucky heard Steve in the kitchen making dinner so he put his thumb in his mouth to self soothe. He'd been doing it at night on his own when he felt scared or sad and didn't want to keep bothering Steve. He found it helped. Now he felt scared of so many things. Sucking his thumb was helping. Steve was busy and he felt safe enough to indulge in his coping habit. A few minutes later, he fell asleep on the couch.   
  
Steve made dinner and thought about everything Bucky was going through. He knew Bucky was getting tired of having therapy every other day but it was imperative now. He was taking huge steps in his recovery.

Steve went to the living room to ask Bucky if he wanted juice or milk and stopped when he saw Bucky was asleep. He looked at the thumb tucked into Bucky's mouth and frowned in concern. Was that new? He'd researched a lot of stuff on TBI and the symptoms and recovery time lately. He'd read an article that stated that victims of TBI sometimes preferred sucking on things to cope with fear and anxiety. Maybe he'd talk to Arlene about it.   
  


Mandy came on Monday and this time Bucky dared to ask her.He swallowed his fear of being laughed at and asked."Mand-dy can you he-he-he'p me learn h-how go toilet 'gain?" She always had cool things in her bag for every issue he had. 

Mandy's eyes widened and she broke into a big smile. "If you're ready to work on that, we will!" 

She dug in her bag for a sensory profile. "We will start with a sensory profile page to see where you're at with feeling and recognizing your body's signals."

They slowly went through the checklist and Bucky was excited to be giving higher numbers and answers for several of the questions. Steve helped on the ones he couldn't understand. 

Mandy scored it, tapping her pen to her lip. "How is your recognition of knowing when you have to go?"

Bucky blushed and looked down. That was an awkward question.   
  
Steve spoke up. "He has mentioned when he needs to go. At least for having a bowel movement."

"I think you might definitely be ready to start having bowel movements on the toilet then." She got up. 

Bucky waited for her to get something out of her bag to help his brain relearn this. Maybe the little doll that he'd used the other day? 

"Bucky, I want to show you and Steve both how to get you sitting properly.Often, recovering patients delay their training by not sitting right." Mandy waited for them to follow her. 

Bucky frowned. What? She wanted to go in the _BATHROOM_ with him??? Was she going to see him naked??? No fucking way!!! He was not going to expose himself to her.  


A dark hydra memory poked at him. He fought it back. He'd been away from them for almost two years and still the crappy memories surfaced. 

Steve followed her into the bathroom with Bucky trailing behind unhappily. He didn't want to do this. 

She began by pointing Bucky to the closed toilet seat. "Sit please."

He shook his head. It was humiliating. He didn't want to even pretend with her.   
  
She put her hands on either side of his ribs and guided him down. "How does that feel for balance?"

Bucky's face was so hot! He nodded. "Okay." He wished she wouldn't hold onto him. It reminded him of Rumlow holding him on the toilet after he'd accidentally wet himself on a mission and calling him a baby who needed to be toilet trained. He fought the memories again. 

Mandy let go and knelt down in front of him. "Steve hold onto him please." 

Steve held his shoulders firmly. Bucky liked that better. He didn't like being held under his arms. 

Mandy grasped his ankles and moved his feet. "Make sure your feet are flat on the floor. This helps with bearing down correctly."

Bucky blushed beet red again in embarrassment.He didn't like talking about his bathroom needs! Especially not in front of Mandy!! 

Once she was satisfied with how his feet were positioned, she asked him to bear down as if he was going to go. 

He shook his head. No way. That was not happening. Even for pretend! It was bad enough that it happened when it did! 

He wanted to jerk his ankles out of Mandy's hand. "Don' tut." He pushed at her shoulder.   


Steve grabbed his wrist to stop him from pushing her. 

Mandy stopped what she was doing. "Are you uncomfortable, Bucky?" She asked. 

He nodded. 

She loosened her grip. "You'll need help in the bathroom for a few days or longer. You're going to need to work past your discomfort. I'm sorry. I know it feels like a breach of privacy."

He jerked his leg away then and would have toppled if Steve hadn't been holding onto him. He clung to Steve. "Up!" 

Steve pulled him up. "Buck, Mandy is just trying to help you." Steve studied his face. "I thought you wanted to learn toileting."

Bucky shook his head again, avoiding Mandy's face. "It make me fee' bad." He was starting to regret bringing it up. His lower lip quivered but he refused to cry!

Mandy considered for a bit then said, "We will start with a different strategy. He clearly has some emotional stuff to work through first."

Bucky remembered Hydra agents pushing him then. He'd been half asleep, but they stripped him naked and pushed him onto the toilet, demanding he do his business while they watched and jeered. He'd been so humiliated.

So much for his pride. He broke into heavy sobs and Steve let the subject go. 

Bucky was supposed to talk to Renee two days laterbut he just shook his head when Steve brought it up. 

"Why don't you want to talk about it?" She asked.

Bucky kept his eyes on the floor. "Fee's bad."

"Yes. Traumatic memories feel bad," Renee agreed."That's why we talk about them. To work through them. Were you humiliated when you used the toilet during captivity?"

Bucky felt his cheeks burn. He didn't want to talk about it. He was going to melt from the heat of his shame. "Dey yaugh," he mumbled. "Make me fee' bad." He paused, trying to correct his speech. "L-Laugh."

"That's really good sharing," Renee said gently. "That must've been awful. How can Steve and Mandy help you feel better about going to the bathroom?" 

Bucky shrugged. Heck. He didn't know. He just knew exposing himself to anyone besides Steve was going to be really hard. He didn't even like Steve to see but it wasn't really an option at this point. Changing his diapers was bad too but it was still better than trying to potty with someone else in the room. 

On Saturday Bucky didn't have therapy and he was glad for the break. 

When Steve helped him get dressed, Bucky grabbed his hand. "Seve? I go toilet. He'p please?"

Steve walked him to the bathroom and helped strip off his wet diaper. Once Bucky was sitting, Steve stepped back a bit. "You good?"

Bucky nodded a little. 

"I have something for you," Steve said, dashing out of the room. He was back in a minute with a hardcover book which he showed to Bucky. 

Bucky was confused at first but then realized it was a short story about toilet training after TBI. 

Steve read the story of Ian's struggle to regain bladder and bowel control and how frustrated he got. 

After Steve finished reading, Bucky paged through the book. Bucky had realized his recognition of letters and sight words was also not up to snuff. He could read small words okay but anything with more than five or six letters in it, he struggled with. 

It was fully illustrated however and Bucky was quite enamoured with Ian's story. 

Steve had disappeared again to get a fresh diaper for Bucky. 

He peeked between his legs to see if anything was happening but nothing yet. He didn't know how to do it. 

Steve came back in and leaned on the counter. "Did you poop?"

Bucky went red but shook his head. "I don' fink so." 

"You can try again later," Steve said, helping him lay down on the floor. 

Without any warning, Bucky's bladder emptied, making a mess. 

Bucky felt his face heat up. Oh crap!! Usually Steve checked if he was peeing but how was he supposed to know? 

Bucky wanted to sink out of sight. "Sowwy Seve."

Steve chuckled. "No biggie."

Bucky blinked as a memory that wasn't from hydra made its way into his thoughts.Hmm. But Steve was perfect. He went to the toilet every day. Maybe his memory was wrong. 

The memory wouldn't leave him alone though but he didn't dare ask. It somehow seemed like Steve might laugh or sneer at him that he wasn't that weak. 

After dinner that evening, Bucky sat on the recliner half watching some old movie. "Seve?"

Steve turned the sound down. "Yeah, Buck?"

Bucky's heart pounded but he had to know if his memory was right. "You ha-had accinen' you lil?" 

Steve faced him fully. "Bucky, I had lots of accidents before I got the serum. It never felt good for me either. I know what it feels like. But you know what?"

Bucky looked at him. "Wha?"   


Steve smiled at him. "I've got your back buddy. Till the end of the line."

Bucky smiled back. "En' of nine." It was gonna be okay, eventually. Steve wasn't giving up. Bucky couldn't give up either. 


	9. Chapter 9

Bucky woke up, taking a moment to orient himself then yawned, pulling his thumb out of his mouth. It was all wrinkled from being sucked on most of the night.He was glad he'd wakened before Steve. 

He licked his dry lips and drank the cup of water on his bedside table. He'd finally graduated to sleeping with Steve. Even though he slept with Steve every night now, and he wasn't alone he still couldn't fall asleep without the damn digit in his mouth. He did his best to hide it.Steve COULD. NOT. KNOW! 

It had been a couple of months since he'd started and what began as a coping habit for when he was scared, anxious or embarrassed had just turned into a bad habit. Steve had pointed it out awhile back so Bucky had stopped in his presence. He was trying to break it but it wasn't that easy. He wondered at the desperate desire to suck on things. It was really weird. 

Steve would feel it was his duty to help break the habit. It was embarrassing as all heck and Steve's constant hovering and trying to fix things was making Bucky a bit crazy. 

He would bring up the most dreadful subjects at the worst times. Just a couple days ago,Steve had asked Bucky if he needed to pee in front of the WHOLE TEAM! Yeah,he'd asked quietly but Bucky still wanted to sink into a hole and die of embarrassment. 

Renee was still working on his high level of anxiety over his privacy issues.

He slowly sat up on his own, taking a momentto let his brain rebalance. He hated the vertigo. Going from one position to another made it come back. 

Steve was still sleeping and didn't notice him moving. He told Bucky to wake him when he wanted to get up but Steve needed his sleep too. 

Bucky put his feet on the floor, grimacing at the mess of soggy padding at his crotch.At least he hadn't leaked. The nighttime continence issues would probably stay. 

Mandy figured he would always need some form of protection, night and day.Adapting still sucked. He felt like all he did was adapt. Cane, bib, pull-ups, diapers.....At least the stuttering was getting better as long as he could keep his anxiety quiet. Panic usually rendered him mute and anxiety made him stumble and stutter through his speech. 

He padded softly across the floor to the bathroom.

Steve was still snoring.He paused.

Yesterday Steve had a talk with Bucky and it was an 'I'm not ready for you to be independent' talk. 

All week Steve had said, "Bucky, let me help you. You shouldn't be showering on your own yet, and I know you're having trouble getting  dressed"...yada yada yada. 

He was slowly learning to put his own clothes on. Steve hovered close by every time he was getting dressed though; taking the clothes right out of Bucky's hands if he so much as got stuck even a little.

"I can do it!" Bucky insisted pretty much every time. Steve would look at him, sigh and help anyway. 

Bucky desperately wanted to learn to do this stuff himself. 

A few days ago, Bucky had gotten so irritated, he yelled that Sam would let him try. Sam always let him do what he could. 

Steve's hurt look had sent guilty jabs through him the rest of the day. He owed Steve a lot for putting up with all his crap for the last year. Least he could do was let Steve help here and there. 

Bucky knew Steve was still scared of him being all better. Nothing Bucky said could make that anxiety disappear. He kinda remembered the conversation way back but it was mostly the little things that Steve did.The looks when he thought Bucky didn't see him, insisting he needed to keep him safe when he wasn't in danger. Stuff like that. 

Steve seemed to swing from pride that Bucky was making some great progress to wanting Bucky to be dependent on him again. He couldn't count how many times a day Steve asked to help or just outright did things for him that he struggled with. 

Steve still put on his diapers at night. Bucky's poor coordination was useless with the tabs and he wet too heavily for pull-ups at night. 

During the day he wore pull-ups. He was extra glad he could do those on his own most of the time. Dissociation aside. When he was foggy, Steve either let him ride it out or did stuff for him. 

But, back to the showering thing. Bucky tossed the pros and cons around for a bit. Bucky adored privacy. He'd had none for how many years! 

Steve had finally stopped fawning over him in the bathroom. He knew if he fell in the shower or had a dissociative episode and somehow got hurt;Steve wouldn't let him shower alone again for the next seventy years. He sighed. "Steve," he called softly. 

Half a snore sounded and then suddenly Steve was on his feet, eyes only half open. "Wha's wrong?" He blearily stared at Bucky, cataloging for any physical cuts or bruises. 

"I'm fine Steve. I'm just really wet." Bucky waited until Steve was done rubbing his eyes awake. "I need a sh-shower."

Steve nodded. "Okay. Let's get you cleaned up." 

While Bucky sat on the plastic chair in the bathroom and got his T-shirt off,Steve got the water running. 

"It's nice and warm. Can you get your diaper off?" Steve asked. 

Bucky worked at the tabs and got them open. "I got it." He pulled himself to his feet, letting the diaper drop to the floor. Using the bar beside the shower, he stepped under the spray. The water felt so good! 

Steve had put his loofah on the little bench where Bucky sat to wash himself. 

"You want to wash your hair today?" Steve asked from the other side of the curtain. 

"No." Bucky said. He'd just washed it yesterday. He scrubbed his body with body wash especially his diaper area then rinsed. 

When he was done, Steve was there with his favourite soft blue towel. The diaper was cleaned up and his dirty clothes in the hamper. When Sam had looked after him last week, Bucky had to pick up after himself. He was glad Steve still did it for him.  


Steve dried him off and pointed to the toilet. "Time to go." 

Bucky had mastered the routine of having a bowel movement in the morning most days yet Steve always reminded him. 

After sevenfucking weeks of intense training, spending hours sitting on the toilet, accidents and tears and frustration; he'd finally retrained his muscles to hold his bowels. 

Bucky had come close to giving up several times. But then Steve, stupid, crazy Steve, had told him not to give up. That he'd get it yet. He had actually given up at one point and Steve gave him a four day break and then they'd started again. 

Temper tantrums hadn't scared Steve away.Bucky's tears hadn't either. He had honestly expected Steve to kick him out. He'd said a lot of horrible things when he'd get so angry that he couldn't control his words. Bucky wished he understood more clearly why he always felt half out of control.

Instead of wanting him to leave, Steve wanted to be his boyfriend. Bucky couldn't fully grasp how Steve could still love him. 

Steve patted his shoulder to get his attention. "Sit."

"Can I do it by myself?" Bucky asked, a blush already staining his cheeks. 

Steve paused. "You feel alert?" 

Bucky nodded. "I'm fine." 

Steve put down his clothes on the counter. "Let me know when you're done."

Steve liked to stay in the bathroom when Bucky used the toilet in case he dissociated but it actually made it much harder for Bucky to go. 

He looked at the book on the shelf beside the toilet. He had read that book again and again. He still stumbled over some of the words but he could still make sense of it. 

He was really self conscious about anyone seeing him going pee or poo and it was nice that someone understood. 

Ian touched on that in the book. 

Bucky waited for his body to do its job while leafing through the glossy pages. 

He agreed with Ian one hundred percent. _"_ _ It's hard to go to the toilet when someone else is watching. It's frustrating when you can't be alone. It feels weird." _

His caretaker was standing a little off to the side holding a clean diaper. 

Bucky couldn't imagine making this part of his recovery into a book. He was glad Ian had. He never admitted to anyone how much he appreciated the book. It was embarrassing. 

Bucky studied the next page where Ian's caretaker had him freshly diapered.A jolt of arousal went through him immediately followed by a rush of guilty shame. Just one more weird thing to hide from everyone. That was somewhat new. He didn't think diapers had aroused him before. Hydra had never let him be aroused. 

He put the book down and slowly looked at his hard dick. Yesterday his body got excited when Steve changed him before bed. He'd tried to ignore it and Steve didn't say anything either.What the heck was wrong with him?

He finally went and wiped his butt then stood up.He wanted his arousal to go away! It made him feel bad and ashamed. 

"All done?" Steve called, having heard the toilet flush. He came in before Bucky could say anything, getting the pull-up to help him get dressed. Bucky didn't meet Steve's eyes. 

Steve pulled the diaper up around his hips."Your libido is back. That's a good thing." Steve smiled. 

Bucky's face went totally red at that and he squeezed his eyes shut. His thumb brushed his lips before he remembered that Steve was right there. He was on fire with all the embarrassment he was feeling. 

Once Bucky was dressed in his favourite black T-shirt and navy running shorts with an elastic waistband, so that he could get them up and down himself, he felt better. Steve combed his hair and put it in a short ponytail. 

"Can we g-go out? To Starb-bucks?" Bucky asked. 

Steve grinned. "Sure, babe." 

Bucky felt a strong surge of happiness at Steve's pet name. It made most of the bad feelings go away. 

Just a week ago they'd had a VERY SERIOUS CONVERSATION ™️.

Steve had told Bucky that he was gay and he loved Bucky as a friend and he was attracted to him too. He then wondered if Bucky still felt the same way about him. 

Bucky already knew Steve was queer. He figured he was too. He'd said yes, he loved Steve and he had queer feelings, but only for Steve. 

Watching Steve be all pretty with pink cheeks and bright blue eyes made him feel a lot of things he couldn't put into words. So now they were boyfriends. No one laughed at them for holding hands in public. They didn't get in trouble either. It was real nice. 

Steve helped Bucky shave and then shaved his own beard. "You want breakfast? Or just coffee?" He asked once they were back in the bedroom. 

Bucky had to stop pulling his socks on to focus on his words. "Both?" 

Steve nodded. "Sure."

Starbucks was their treat a couple times a week since Bucky had been able to eat real food. 

Bucky finished pulling on a pair of ankle socks then put on his brand new running shoes. He had gotten special shoes made to aid in walking. They were grey and white and they looked cool. 

His tongue was caught between his teeth as he focused on tying the bright yellow laces.Tying was so hard. He knew it wasn't ever going to be easy. Mandy had said as much. When he failed the third time, he huffed out a frustrated breath.

"Want help?" Steve asked, already hovering nearby like he always seemed to. 

"I can do," Bucky mumbled. He took a deep breath and tried again.   
Steve had wanted to get him Velcro shoes but he'd refused. No frickin way!! He didn't want to lose this skill. If he just kept doing it, he'd remember eventually, right? The laces were long to aid in tying them. He concentrated as hard as he could to make his hands work right. 

Finally he got one tied and felt a surge of pride. Yes!! He had to try five times with the second one but he got it too!Steve made sure they were tied firmly then handed him his hoodie. "Get your cane."

He had several canes. 

The one Natasha gave him was his favourite though. It was black with a silver skull on the handle. He felt badass when he used it. At least people didn't stare as much anymore. Unwanted attention was something he didn't know if he'd ever get used to.

Bucky pulled his hoodie on, fighting to get his right arm in but Steve let him. He'd already helped Bucky put his clothes on. He was probably feeling guilty for doing too much.   
  
Bucky turned to Steve. "Start please?" The tiny zipper tab mocked him. Between his screwed up proprioception and his lack of finesse with fine motor skills, he couldn't do it. Without a word Steve got it started and Bucky pulled it up. He picked up his cane and headed to the door when Steve stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Do you need to pee?" Steve zipped up his own sweater, giving Bucky a probing look. 

Bucky sighed but took a long moment to listen to his body."Maybe." He went into the bathroom not bothering to shut the door all the way. Steve wouldn't follow him in without permission just to pee. 

He had been up for almost an hour and he didn't think he'd gone pee yet. His bladder was probably getting full. 

It only took a minute before he was able to go then pulled his shorts into place again. They were all crooked and he swallowed back a groan of frustration. He had a really hard time with fine motor skills and trying to make everything work together. He'd never been aware of how much he took for granted before. He carefully washed his hands. 

When he got back to the door, Steve straightened his shorts and pull-up then pulled his hoodie hem down. "Good job. Let's go. We gotta be back before 9:30. Renee is coming at 10."   


He held his hand out to Bucky. Without hesitation, Bucky grinned at his boyfriend and entwined his fingers with Steve's.   


Recovery and adapting sucked but Steve did make things better. Bucky was glad Steve put up with him. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter

Out in the sunshine, Bucky took a deep breath and gently squeezed Steve's hand. "Sunshine!" 

"It's nice out!" Steve said. He lifted their joined hands andkissed Bucky's fingers. 

Bucky grinned at him. "For June, yeah! It's g-gonna get hot ag-again." Spring was starting to turn into summer. The leaves were so green against the bright blue backdrop of the sky, Bucky had to squint. 

Steve nodded. "Yep."

Bucky walked slowly, making sure his cane was always steady.Without it, he felt tippy and that was scary. 

They walked slowly, enjoying each other's company. 

The Starbucks wasn't overly busy at this hour.A few old timers having strong black coffee and egg sandwiches. City workers running late but needing coffee.

Eight AM did seem to be all Steve's neighbourhood buddies' coffee time though. Steve could never turn down a friendly greeting. 

They walked in and Steve waved at the Hardware store owner."Hey Raymond."

Raymond waved him over. "Steve! Come meet my son Joe. He's stayin' around for coupla months." 

Steve stepped over and exchanged friendly introductions with Joe. "You're helping your dad out? That's good that business finally picked up."

Bucky stood awkwardly to the side, trying to stay out of the way of the people entering and leaving with coffees, while waiting for Steve be done talking to Raymond.

Steve started towards the counter when Ira Johnson lifted a wrinkled hand. "Steve! Hold up! I hear ya got your buddy back."

The old man had been retired for many years from his carpentry business but he still liked to go for coffee with his "young fellers", the three men who ran the business now. 

Steve had been friends with him since he'd come out of the ice. He was a "before" person, someone who'd been around in Steve's Brooklyn. Therefore he was automatically a friend. 

Bucky swallowed an impatient sigh, following Steve to the table. Ira was kind of annoying in Bucky's opinion. 

"Zis James Barnes?" Ira asked in disbelief, looking at Bucky. "Must be good to have 'im back."

Steve nodded. "Sure is, Mr Johnson."

The old man nodded, looking Bucky over. "Yer pa was a good man. Good man that George Barnes." His dim eyes watered slightly. "I worked for 'im, putting new shingles on that roof. He brung me water every day. You sure look like yer pa, James. Work hard like him an' you'll go a long way. He was a good man." He reiterated. 

Bucky felt uncomfortable. He did NOT want to discuss a past he couldn't remember with Mr. Johnson. 

Steve felt Bucky's discomfort. "We better get our coffee 'fore it gets too busy." 

Ira nodded. "See ya later."

Bucky followed Steve to the counter."Did we know him?" He whispered. 

"Ira was only ten when you went off to war," Steve said softly. "He worked with his pa, fixing houses."

Bucky glanced back at the old man wishing he remembered this link to that lifetime ago. 

He half shrugged. Whatever. He wanted his mocha latte! He had the perfect amount of money in his pocket. Steve had helped him count it out this morning. 

He forgot to pay attention and almost tripped over his freaking cane! He grabbed Steve's arm crushingly hard with his left hand to save himself from falling and quite possibly taking the entire line of people out. 

He heard Steve's sharp intake of breath and then Steve was holding him up.

Bucky steadied himself trying to ignore the many eyes on him. Dammit! He'd hurt Steve! "S-sorry," he whispered. Anxiety built up in his chest and he tried to focus on his breathing. He could not panic here. He was finally well enough to be in public without attracting a lot of attention. He couldn't let others see that Captain America's boyfriend was broken. 

"It's okay," Steve reassured him. "You okay?" 

Bucky nodded, gripping his cane tighter. He looked around to see if anyone was laughing at him. No one was. 

More customers were coming in though. Nervousness made his stomach feel yucky. He looked around, cataloging faces to make sure there were no Hydra agents. He reminded himself that he was okay. He was with Steve. Steve would look after him. 

"May I take your order?" 

Bucky suddenly realized the barista was talking to HIM! He stepped forward awkwardly, trying to keep his cane under control, keep his balance and remove his coin purse. Her bright blue hair and heavy makeup threw him off for a minute. He wanted to give his order to Shana. He knew Shana. He didn't know this girl. 

He blinked, trying to remember what it was he had to say. 

His brain was starting to fizz and spark. He looked for Steve but Steve was at the other ordering window. What? Had Steve told him he was ordering alone?? Think! He got his coin purse free. Right Starbucks needed his name. 

"B-bucky." He stuttered. 

The barista smiled a little condescendingly."You gonna order, Bucky?" She was staring at his metal hand because he'd forgotten his gloves. Dammit! He was scared now. Was she Hydra?  
  
Shelifted her eyes to his face. "What can I get you?" She repeated flatly. 

Bucky had never seen her here before. He wondered if it would be rude to ask for Shana. Anxiety at speaking to someone new made his words scurry for cover. 

"Uh." Beautiful, Barnes, he scolded himself inwardly. Real eloquent. Uh. Yeah that was not it!! Don't act broken! C'mon! 

Bucky nodded at her and tried to get his voice to stop shaking. He could order a damn coffee!! "I want a-a grande." Whew! He had gotten it out. 

The girl frowned. "Ok? What drink??" She rolled her eyes slightly. 

Bucky was panicking for real now and his words fled completely. He could feel them stick in his throat like dry bread or maybe he was breathing too fast. What drink? What drink? He looked helplessly at the menu but the words were all blurring behind the panicky tears. 

He brushed his thumb across his lips seeking comfort and then remembered with an awful jolt that he was in public. Gosh! He'd almost sucked his thumb in public! That would give any news seekers a story! He felt like he needed to leave now!! But Steve was still over there!

The desire to suck his thumb was insanely strong. Instead he bit at his thumbnail hard to ground himself. Feeling his teeth on the skin of his thumb did help a bit. 

Steve was talking to the barista at the other end and didn't realize Bucky was having issues. There were so many people. He was breathing so fast he was going to hyperventilate! 

The girl tapped her long pink fingernails impatiently. "You're holding up the line, mister." 

Bucky was shaking now. He was in the way! Making a scene. He needed Steve! But Steve was busy. Damn! Keep it together Barnes!! He could not for anything remember what he was supposed to order. He was holding up the line!

"C-coffee," he finally stammered out barely above a whisper. He dumped the bills and coins Steve had so carefully counted out for him for a latte. Two of the coins rolled and she had to go after them. He was so stupid to think he could do this!! Broken old man!! He was sure everyone was laughing. The rushing in his ears was too loud to hear it. He wanted to get outside but he couldn't. People were blocking the entrance. 

She sighed and typed in a large coffee."Cream or sugar?" 

He mutely shook his head. 

"Three twenty five." She picked up the money and pointed to the pick up window.

Bucky was swallowing back tears in earnest now as he made his way down the counter, gripping it with his right hand. He was starting to feel dissociated. 

The store suddenly seemedvery claustrophobic. Everyone was watching him. He wanted Steve!! He tucked his chin to his chest to hide his burning face. Grow up! He told himself. 

Tears were blinding him, dripping off his nose, burning hot. He was trying not to trip or bump into anyone in front of him so he couldn't just keep his face down either. People were seeing him cry. He tried to wipe his eyes inconspicuously. 

"You okay, mister?" Someone asked. 

Bucky nodded a bit, trying to focus on breathing. 

"Bucky?" The clerk called, holding up the large cup. He stepped forward and took the cup in his left hand so it wouldn't burn him.  


He turned to step out of the way when a large man ran into him. Bucky tripped and fell to his knees. He saved the stupid coffee but not his pride. He was half sprawled out and people were gathering around all talking at once. The tears spilled over for good. He was done! 

The man was apologizing and tried to help him up but Bucky just shook his head, tucking his knees under his arms and hiding his face. "No no no!" Steve would be so humiliated.

"You need an ambulance?" Someone else asked. 

Bucky kept shaking his head.   


"Does this guy belong to someone here?" The large man said very loudly.   


Bucky tried to soften his sobbing. Now everyone would _know_ Steve had a broken boyfriend! Steve would never want to see him again. 

Suddenly, Steve was there, standing between him and the nameless faces that looked confused and concerned and were yelling questions he couldn't understand, let alone answer. 

"It's okay, Buck." He pulled Bucky to his feet, picking up his cane. 

Bucky buried his face in Steve's shoulder. If Steve could at least get him out of here, he could find his own way. 

"C'mon." Steve's voice was soft and low. 

Bucky couldn't stop the tears, even when they were out on the street again. They just didn't want to stop. "Sorry St-Steve. I'll go."

Steve took him to a bench and Bucky sat down. "You're not going anywhere. Tell me what happened."   


Bucky shook his head. "C-can't."

Steve stood in front of him, making sure people didn't stop and stare. "I'm sorry I left you on your own. I promise I won't do it again." He kissed the top of Bucky's head. 

"Y-you shou'n' hab to s'ay wif me," Bucky mumbled, trying to get himself under control.Now his words were all messed up too! Ugh! He stuck his thumb in his mouth for a moment to stop the noises he was making. 

"We'll keep working on it," Steve promised softly.He gently pulled Bucky's head to rest against his stomach and stroked his hair. 

Bucky sucked on his thumb until the tears stopped, relaxing under Steve's ministrations. He took a deep, shuddery breath. Maybe Steve would be okay with him staying. He wanted Steve. Needed him. "Sorry, I so broken. Mad?" He had to know.  


Steve hugged him tighter. "Not at all, bud. You're not broken. You're my Bucky."

Bucky relaxed even more. At least Steve wasn't too mad. "Wan' go home."

Steve picked up the drink tray and the bag of food. "Me too." 

The walk home gave Bucky time to regain his equilibrium. Once they were back in the tower, Bucky was greeted by none other than Princess Shuri! He was glad he looked presentable.   


"Sergeant Barnes!" She looked at him. "Look at you! You're walking."   


He nodded. "Gettin' better."   


Steve shook her hand. "Shuri, come up at eleven. Bucky's therapist is coming at ten. We'd love to visit more."   
  
She accepted with a small nod. "I will see you ten."

Bucky was glad to get to the apartment. He felt better now except for the fact that he was wet. "I godda chande my pu-up." He really hated how big emotional upsets messed with his speech so much. 

Steve got the gist of it and nodded. "Want help?"

Bucky shook his head. Alone in the bedroom he did some deep breathing. He sat on the bed letting the last twenty minutes run through his head. He swallowed back more tears as he thought over the horrible embarrassment. Why did Steve still want him? His face felt tight and he felt worn out. But he had Renee first and then Shuri! 

He pulled a clean pull-up out of the bag. He was so tired. 

He was pushing his shorts down and off and nearly fell. He felt like crying again! Today just wasn't his day. 

He focused on getting changed and then got his shorts on again. 

He went to the table and pulled himself onto the chair using the bar that had been put up for that purpose. 

"Ca' we tell Nee na co' ?" He asked, putting his head on the table. 

"Buck," Steve said gently. "Try that again. I couldn't understand you."

Bucky heaved a big sigh and held it until he was calmer before repeating his question. "Can we tell Renee not come? I tired."

Steve shook his head. "I think talking to her about this right away is better. After lunch we'll have a nap." He fastened a bib around Bucky's neck. "Why did you get a black coffee, baby?"

Bucky shrugged. 

Steve frowned in concern. "Is it because you panicked?"

He nodded. "Couldn't. No words."

Steve cut his egg sandwich and cinnamon bun then poured his own caramel macchiato into two cups. "We'll share."

Bucky wanted to protest. Steve shouldn't have to give things up because he was incapable of ordering a stupid latte. 

"I want to," Steve said before he could say anything. 

Bucky ate slowly trying not to drop food. He felt like such a failure. Would he ever be not broken?

The silence was only broken with the occasional hum of appreciation at the food. 

When they were done, Steve pulled Bucky into a gentle embrace. "You okay, Babe?"

Bucky nodded. "Yeah." He looked at Steve's face and saw immediately that Steve had been beating himself up over this. "Nod yo fault, Steeb!" He purposely used the nickname to make Steve laugh.

Steve smiled and kissed his cheek. "Ok you punk!" He laughed as he helped Bucky wipe his face and put the bib in the laundry. "Go pee once more before Renee comes." 

Bucky nodded. "Kay."

Steve watched Bucky walk to the bathroom before letting himself heave a shaky sigh. How could he have let this happen? He had thought Bucky could do it but he'd been unable to. Steve had promised to be there. 

Renee showed up before Bucky was back. 

Steve let her in and explained what had happened that morning. "I shoulda been helping him. I feel so awful." 

Renee gave him a gentle smile. "Steve, I promise, he will be okay. It's part of being an adult. He'll work through it and move on."

"What if he can't?" Steve worried. 

"He will," Renee said. 

Bucky walked in and over to Steve. "Straighten please." 

Steve straightened his clothes. "Good job." 

"How is the toileting going, Bucky. Are you happy with your progress?"

Bucky shrugged. "I can do it alone now."

"That's great!" Renee enthused. "I know that was a big thing for you."

She waited until he was sitting comfortably. "Bucky, can you tell me what happened at Starbucks?"

Bucky would rather not but he obediently gathered his thoughts and told her about it. At least the after effects of his panic had worn off. "I felt all their eyes watching me," he said softly. "It was bad."

"You were embarrassed?" Renee clarified. 

Bucky nodded. "A lot. I made so much noise. Steve should hate it. I'm still broken."

"Why?" She asked.

"Made a big scene." Bucky frowned twisting his mismatched fingers together. 

"That's okay." Renee said simply. "You're not the first TBI survivor to have a meltdown in public." 

Bucky looked up at her. "But.... I'm not 'posed to. Haveta be quiet."

All the Hydra agents had made sure he stayed quiet. He'd been trained to blend in, never make a scene, keep emotions in check. He'd come to think that was how he needed to be. 

"You don't have to hide your feelings anymore," Steve said earnestly. 

Bucky nibbled the end of his thumb, trying to stem the urge to suck. Was Steve saying he was okay with what had happened?? That Bucky had failed to do the simplest thing ever? He didn't care? Why?

"Don't bite your nails," Steve said, breaking into his thoughts. 

Bucky lowered his hand and sighed. He had to figure this out. 

"Bucky has been sucking his thumb when he's anxious or nervous." Steve said suddenly. "Should I be worried?"

Bucky felt his whole world tip crazily and all other thoughts fled his mind. Oh gosh.....Steve had just spilled his secret!! _To_ _RENEE_!!!! He squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to disappear.He was sure his face could contend with Red Skull! 

Renee nodded."It's a very common thing with TBI. I maybe wouldn't encourage it in public; find a suitable replacement, but at home, let him use it as a coping mechanism. It's not hurting anything." 

Steve smiled. "Thanks. I thought I'd ask." 

Bucky was freaking out internally. No way no way no way!! How could Steve tell her?

Should he wait for the laughter or jeering or the inevitable slap to the face? He started to get up. No; he should leave. He couldn't face the humiliation. He felt hands on his shoulders and tensed up waiting for the smack. Rollins had been so PISSED at him for sucking his thumb the one time. 

None came. 

He finally opened his eyes to find Steve's concerned face close to his. "Buck?" 

"You told," he whispered, feeling tears break free. 

"Told?" Steve asked. Understanding dawned on him. "I'm sorry, honey.I wanted to make sure you weren't in distress."

Renee was smiling at him. "You've had a pretty rough morning.Make sure you take some time to process. Have you been drawing in your journal?" 

Bucky blinked. "No?" He asked slowly. What was he supposed to draw? Well he knew, technically. He was supposed to draw the things that were bothering him. The thumb sucking was definitely a stressful issue right now. He hadn't realized Steve knew. He sighed. "Din draw it."

"Can you tell me why?" She asked.   


"Didn' want you to laugh." He stared at his knees. 

Renee looked concerned. "About what?" 

Bucky tapped his flesh thumb. 

She shook her head. "Bucky, you are okay.You're doing really well. You can suck your thumb if it helps." 

Bucky wordlessly stared at her. What? 

.. ..What had just happened?? He wasn't okay! He wet his pull-ups, he spilled food down his front, he still got his words mixed up...... he was still broken. This morning proved that!! What did she mean; doing well? "How? How am doing well?" He asked.

Renee took a moment to get his attention focused on her. "Bucky, when you first came back to Steve, what were you able to do?"

Bucky frowned. "None. Couldn' walk or talk or eat. Drooled. Gross."

"It wasn't gross," she said softly. "You were a victim of traumatic brain injury. That was not your fault." 

He thought about her words. He turned to Steve. "I'm gross?"

Steve shook his head, giving him a serious look. "Never, Bucky. Never ever ever have I thought you were gross. I'm so so glad you're here with me and that we can do the hard things and the fun things together. I realize now that we belong together. You and me. Forever. I'm not leaving. You're not leaving."

Bucky nodded. "S' right. End of the line." Steve wasn't scared of him leaving anymore. Bucky could return the favour. He trusted Steve. 

Renee got up. "Please keep drawing in your journal. I know you have a special guest so we'll cut our session short today. I'll see you next week."

Bucky watched her leave and sat there dazed. He was okay? It was such a novel idea! He wasn't broken.

Before Bucky had properly processed this revelation, Steve was letting Shuri in. "Come on in!"   


Shuri was standing there, looking at Bucky with a smile. "The white wolf rises again."   


He blushed. "I d'no bout that."

Steve grinned. "He's far too modest."

"I came to check on my broken white boy but I see he is not broken anymore." Her smile was wide and genuine. "Look at you!"

Shuri looked at him for several moments and then came and wrapped her arms around him. "Sergeant Barnes."

"Just Bucky," he pleaded softly.  


"Bucky," she corrected, "I was so afraid when we brought you out of cryo a year ago. I thought I had broken you forever. I was so sad but now I see my fear was unfounded."

"I c-can do lot of things now." He smiled, seeing pride and happiness in Shuri's brown eyes. He didn't really remember coming out of cryo. He vaguely remembered something about her calling him the White Wolf. His brain was too tired to explore that at this moment.   


Shuri wiped the tears from her eyes. "Bucky, I'm so happy. When I brought your arm, I saw such changes but now even more. You're walking and talking. You are very strong."

Bucky blushed at the praise. "Steve helped. Couldn't do it without Steve."

She grew serious. "I knew that you were meant to be together. You compliment each other."

Steve cleared his throat and blinked. "Thank you Shuri."   
  
They visited a bit longer and then the Wakandan princess took her leave. "Keep pushing and growing," she said to Bucky. 

Bucky was exhausted. Steve helped him onto his chair and placed a grilled cheese sandwich in front of him and his cup of milk. 

Bucky ate his lunch, feeling like his brain was ready to explode. Too much to think about!

After they were done, Steve sat down on the sofa; wrapping an arm around Bucky. He pulled him onto his lap. "Why don't you have a short nap? You look exhausted."

Bucky obediently relaxed against Steve and closed his eyes. That wasn't a hard order. His thoughts once more jumped to the morning. He opened his eyes again. "Steve?"

"Yeah?" Steve's voice was soft and warm. 

"Do you angry when I'm dumb?" He frowned. His words didn't want to come out right.

Steve held him a bit tighter. "I don't think I could ever be angry at you, Bucky.And you are never dumb. If you're referring to this morning; I feel so bad for leaving you to order alone. It was my stupidity."

"You're not stupid," Bucky said devoutly. "We are we now. No more me or just you. Together. Not dumb or stupid. We learn together. That's it. Okay jerk?" He grinned. 

Steve laughed. "Got it, punk. Together." 

Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve and kissed his soft lips. "Yeah.I love you." 

"I love you too," Steve whispered. 

Bucky relaxed, putting his thumb in his mouth.He was okay. Steve was okay. Together, that made it all good. 

He knew there would still be struggles, and there would be celebrations. TBI wasn't a reminder that he was broken. TBI was a sign that he was a strong warrior. He'd beaten the odds. He lay his head back against Steve's chest. The steady thump of Steve's heartbeat made him relax. Adapting to the new way of life was starting to feel normal.

Steve held Bucky close even as he fell asleep. He was overcome with gratitude. Bucky was right. They were together now for the long haul. Bucky was better and he was here. But then, Steve had never seen a broken man anyway. He'd just seen Bucky. The love of his life.

The End.


End file.
